One of our trusted GriefShare experts, Dr. Sabrina Black, has released a new book that speaks directly to a tension many GriefShare participants or leaders feel: "We want to help—but what if the things we say actually hurt?"
In her new book, It’s NOT Okay: How We Respond to People Who Are Grieving, Dr. Black names what many grieving people experience but rarely say out loud. She explains that well-meaning comments can wound, Scripture can be mistimed, and silence can often feel awkward.
We recently talked with Dr. Black about why she wrote this book and how it can help you serve grieving people with greater confidence and compassion.
Dr. Black says the title was born out of a phrase she found herself repeating over and over while counseling others through loss. “I kept hearing myself say that,” she explains. “When someone shared something hurtful that someone said to them, I’d just respond, ‘That’s not okay.’ Eventually, I thought, ‘Somebody needs to write that book.’ And that somebody was me.”
Realizing that phrase captured a common struggle, Dr. Black explains how many people want to help grieving people but simply don’t know how. Grief doesn’t follow a formula, she explains. It doesn’t move in neat stages or stick to a schedule. Yet people often respond as if it should—offering timelines, tidy explanations, or spiritual conclusions before someone is ready to hear them.
This book gently challenges those assumptions. It holds space to acknowledge what’s not okay—and then offers a better way forward.
Throughout the book, Dr. Black weaves together clinical insight, lived experience, faith, and practical guidance. Some of the core ideas GriefShare participants and leaders may find especially helpful include:
Grief is not linear. People don’t move step by step toward “closure.” Grief can surge, recede, whisper, or crash without warning.
There is no timeline. You can’t put grief on a schedule or decide when someone should be “better.”
Love matters more than logic. People in grief don’t need explanations or corrections. They need compassion.
Presence matters more than words. Showing up—quietly, consistently, and even imperfectly—is more meaningful than finding the perfect words.
It’s possible to make things right. When we say the wrong thing (and we will), humility and an apology can rebuild trust.
Rather than offering scripts, the book helps readers develop an awareness of timing, tone, and the person in front of them.
If you’ve ever worried about saying the wrong thing in your group, this book is for you. Dr. Black says It’s NOT Okay helps GriefShare participants and leaders in three essential ways:
It gives language to group members. Many people carry stories of hurtful comments they’ve never shared. This book helps bring those experiences into the open—safely.
It builds confidence. Leaders don’t have to have the “right words.” Understanding what not to say often frees you to remain present.
It models grace. One of Dr. Black’s favorite sections addresses how to apologize and repair relationships when intentions were good, but impact was painful—something every leader can relate to.
This book encourages a deeper sensitivity to the wide range of grief experiences people bring into your group.
It’s NOT Okay: How We Respond to People Who Are Grieving is available through major retailers, including Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also learn more about the book and Dr. Black’s work at drsabrina.net.
In addition to writing, Dr. Black offers individual and couples counseling (including telehealth) to help those navigating grief, marriage challenges, stress, and burnout. She also speaks at churches, conferences, and organizations.
GriefShare leaders are welcome to refer group members to her for counseling or reach out about speaking opportunities.
Sometimes the most faithful response to grief is simple honesty—not rushing, not fixing, just being willing to say, “This is not okay—and you don’t have to walk through it alone.”
If you’re looking for a resource that will strengthen both your understanding and your heart, this book is well worth your time.