Patricia lost her husband, Mike, to cancer. It was a long and difficult two-year battle that ended his life. Since then, Patricia has wondered what her life will be like.
Suppose you were her friend or close relative. What could you do to support her as she tries to figure out how to move forward with her life? Here are some ideas.
Helping Patricia understand the nature of grief will ease some of the disorientation she will likely experience with it
Because we don’t talk much about grief in our culture, Patricia might be surprised and even startled by how grief is affecting her life. Although we regularly associate grief with sadness, Patricia should understand the many other ways grief can show up in her life:
Given that so much can occur with grief, it’s easy to see why it can be so overwhelming. It’s important for Patricia to understand this so that she doesn’t mistakenly think she’s “going crazy.”
Grieving people sometimes describe grief symptoms hitting them like the waves along the shore do. If you have your back to the ocean, you won’t know when a wave will come upon you–and you won’t know how strong each one will be, but you know it’s coming. Grief waves will eventually become less powerful (disruptive) over time, but they also might hit at unexpected times well into the future. So, Patricia shouldn’t think her experience with grief will proceed in a rigid series of prescribed “grief stages” or steps.
As you consider contacts with Patricia, think about both the timing and the types of the interactions.
Initial contact with her is ideally within two days of receiving the news of Mike’s death. As a general rule of thumb, in-person conversations are the best. They allow for the comfort of hugs and a shoulder to cry on. They also give you the best opportunities to get a sense of how Patricia is processing her loss. Listening–focused attentive listening–is critically important in supporting her. And attentive listening includes seeing body language as well as hearing what she says. With this in mind, it’s easy to see how other forms of contact can be ranked in their potential benefits:
Initial contacts tend to be brief, since other friends and relatives will be calling or visiting with their condolences. At these times you might express:
A commitment to talk further actually should be followed up by you taking the initiative to contact Patricia periodically to give her the opportunity to talk.
Sympathy cards have become a traditional part of responding to a death. They are good as a follow-up after your initial contact, assuming you’re able to make a first contact by visiting or calling. Sympathy cards can include hand-written notes based on the suggested “do’s and don’ts” above. These notes need not be long; two or three sentences should do it. You might also consider sending “thinking of you” cards, texts, or emails periodically in the weeks to come as reminders of your concern for Patricia. These will be especially appreciated as Patricia figures out what her new routine will now be.
After the initial flurry of activities involving a funeral or memorial service, you might provide Patricia with two types of support: emotional and practical.
Early visits with Patricia might not actually involve much talking. Awkward silences can feel like vacuums that pull words out of you. But be on the lookout for and try to avoid any number of cliches that grievers typically don’t find beneficial.
Your presence itself can be helpful. You are there so she doesn’t have to be alone. You can help out with routine tasks, such as cooking (or bringing her meals), cleaning, and laundry. You’re there to listen when she wants to talk and to cry with her as she reflects on all she’s lost with Mike’s death.
You might start a check-in conversation with: “What has the past week been like for you, Patricia? Were any days particularly challenging?” If she mentions Tuesday was a tough day, you might ask, “What happened on Tuesday that made it so difficult? What were you thinking about and what were you feeling?”
Don’t think you need to have “answers” or “solutions” for all the challenges that she will share with you. Instead, focus on asking clarifying questions. For example:
In the process of talking, she might come up with alternative ways of approaching her circumstances that are helpful. Or she might conclude that some problems aren’t as desperate as she initially thought. However, if her circumstances really are that bad, seeing that reality more clearly might motivate her to seek professional help. All of these possibilities are valuable.
If Patricia is a person who is more active than contemplative, what she might mention is that she’s distressed over particular tasks she can’t accomplish for one reason or another. For example:
Notice that her list of tasks fall into two categories. One (her car) is clearly an important “must do” task. The others (her weeds and her dishwasher) are not as critically important, although Patricia might not yet see them this way. Sometimes widows and widowers find it hard to change their expectations about what can or should be done around the house, the yard, etc., after the death of their spouses. They want to maintain the routines that had been established as a couple. That desire becomes a stressor for them because they no longer have the help of a spouse.
There are two goals in responding to this situation. First, talk about the significance of wanting to maintain the established routines. You might say, “Patricia, Mike loved to work in that garden, didn’t he?” Allow her some time to reminisce. Then talk about continuing that activity in the light of everything else she needs to do. At first, you might be involved yourself, or the two of you might discuss finding someone who can do it, if that’s feasible.
Establishing new routines for daily living will occur in stages. Initially, pitching in to help her with chores for a few weeks will allow time for Patricia to recoup. But, eventually she will need to figure out a longer-term strategy for these tasks. She might need to learn some new skills if using outside help isn’t possible. Ultimately, she needs to be the one making the final decisions since she will be living with the results.
The loss of a spouse is devastating and disorienting. Life cannot continue as it had, and it’s not clear what life can be like in the future. But it is possible to work this out with help. If you’re willing to be available, to listen attentively, and to brainstorm possible ways to establish a new routine, you can provide invaluable support for someone like Patricia.
And yet you are also likely to face another reality: Supporting someone who has lost a spouse can be taxing. There will be times you’re not available because of other responsibilities. You might want to do more, but can’t figure out how. One way to extend your support is to introduce your “Patricia” to a grief support ministry, such as GriefShare. A GriefShare group extends the help any one support person might be able to offer. Other grievers, along with a team of volunteers who themselves have walked through grief, come alongside one another to help them figure out their next steps without their loved one. To find a GriefShare group, visit here.