When a bereaved person seeks your help, will you know how to respond?
The death of a loved one results in life-altering, long-term change and pain for the grieving individual. And as a pastor or church leader, it can be challenging to know how to provide the right kind of support. This is especially true because many grieving people are embarrassed or even ashamed to reveal the extent of their struggles. So, at best, they suffer in silence. At worst, they leave churches because they don’t feel they’re being cared for adequately, and no one understands.
This article shares two common experiences of grieving people and suggestions on how you can offer practical help.
1. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Anne, whose brother died: “I’d have all of these different emotions flooding my mind. Some were good—joy and peace. At the same time, I was angry; I was upset. I was trying to figure out, ‘Is this normal? Am I going crazy?’”
Cindy, whose fiance died: “I went to a wedding, and all of a sudden I almost could not breathe. The pain and grief were suffocating. After I went home, I bawled—the ugly-cry-type moment on my kitchen floor. I thought, ‘Am I crazy? It’s been nine months. I should be better.’”
What you can do:
- Prepare them mentally to live with grief: “Grief,” says Judy Blore, former bereavement ministry director, “is a chaos of emotion.” She tells grieving people to expect mental chaos to be part of their lives for a while. She gives this example: “It’s helpful for grievers to understand that in the first few months it may be very difficult to plan anything. They’ll think, ‘On Tuesday I’m going to the grocery store.’ And Tuesday … they can’t do it.” So encourage grievers to do their best to plan and do what needs to be done, but to understand that it is okay right now if their mental chaos hinders or prevents the process. It won’t always be like this.
“If people know ahead of time, ‘This is grief; this is what to expect,’” says grief and trauma counselor H. Norman Wright, “then they can realize, ‘I’m not going crazy. I just have to go through this experience.’”
- Direct them to a support group: Grievers find it vastly helpful to attend grief support groups (such as GriefShare). They are relieved and encouraged to hear from other people who “get” what they’re going through and who assure them that what they’re experiencing is normal.
Jenilee, who lost her father, says, “Being able to hear what people are going through reinforced for me, ‘Okay, I’m not crazy.’” And Anne, whose brother died, shares, “I saw that all these emotions coming together is normal. It was such a huge comfort and relief to me.”
2. “It’s so hard to come to church.”
Michele, whose spouse died: “My husband had loved going to church and he loved the choir singing. When he died, I couldn’t enjoy the songs without him. When the choir started singing, I would just run out.”
Carla, whose spouse died: “Going to church was the best of times and the worst of times. It’s where our closest friendships were. It’s where people would say, ‘How are you really?’ Then again, it was the worst of times because I had no emotional stamina for people to ask me, ‘How are you really?’ To start the service out by crying—that’s a rough Sunday morning, especially week after week.”
What you can do:
Most people’s struggles with returning to church can be addressed with some thoughtful planning. Here are suggestions that can help grievers return gradually to church:
- Suggest they have a friend come alongside them: Encourage grievers to ask a trusted friend in advance to stay by their side throughout the service and to run interference as needed. Carla, whose husband died, recalls, “Our friends invited my children and me to sit with them. After the service, they would be aware as to when we’d had enough and would create an opportunity for us to leave. That was a great protection because we didn’t have a lot in the tank.”
- Encourage grievers to arrive late: For others, a simple solution is to arrive a little late, sit in the back row, and leave during the last hymn to limit the personal interactions. That way, grieving people can cross the threshold and rejoin the church community, but at a pace they can handle.
- Offer a private place in the building to recover: Suggest a place in the building where they can go to recover themselves if they get emotional and want privacy. Knowing that this is an option, and knowing that you understand the likelihood of weeping or tears, can be greatly comforting to a grieving person.
- Teach your church members about the grief process: If your church members have a better understanding of what grief looks like, how long it lasts, the depth of the pain, and what the Bible says about grief and tears, that helps your church better support a grieving person. And it lessens the pressure for grievers who feel like they’re not being strong in their faith or who feel they’re doing something wrong because they’re still crying or aren’t acting joyful or at peace.
Provide them with a grief support group
The need for grief support is greater than ever. Every congregation, regardless of size, has members who are silently struggling with grief—and many grieving individuals feel they don’t have a place where they can process their emotions in a healthy, supportive environment.
But you can provide a dedicated place where people can find healing and hope—with GriefShare.This turnkey ministry offers a structured, Christ-centered approach to help people navigate their grief. By creating a safe space for grieving individuals to share their stories and receive biblical encouragement, your church can offer essential support for those who feel lost in their grief.
6 more things grieving people wish you knew …
If the two ideas in this article have been helpful, we have six more to share! Want to learn more about how to support those who are grieving in your congregation? Download the full ebook 8 Things Grieving People Wish Their Pastors Knew for even more insights and practical tips to help you care for the bereaved.
