Simple, heartfelt words that help (and ones that can unintentionally hurt)
When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to say something that will bring comfort. But for many of us, those moments leave us fumbling for words. We want to be helpful—but what if we say the wrong thing?
You’re not alone in that worry. As author Robert Rogers puts it, “People just want to say something that helps. We want to offer a word, a Scripture, or something to make it all feel better. And we can’t. Nothing’s going to take away that pain. So sometimes people just stumble over their words and say the first thing that comes to their minds.”
Still, your words—and especially your presence—can be a gift. Here are 5 things that comfort grieving hearts and 10 phrases that can unintentionally cause pain.
5 things to say to someone who is grieving
1. “I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.”
This simple acknowledgment speaks volumes. You’re not trying to fix their pain—you’re entering it with them.
“I think the most helpful people were the people who were willing to sit there with me in my hurt and just let me hurt. It wasn’t helpful when they were trying to cheer me up. I don’t wanna be cheered up. Just let me grieve,” says Heather.
2. “I’m here. You don’t have to walk this alone.”
Grieving can feel incredibly isolating. Let your friend know they are not forgotten. Even if they don’t respond to texts or calls, keep reaching out gently. One widow shares, “The people who helped the most were the ones who kept showing up—weeks and months later.”
“The sharing of coffee and a sandwich together, arranging flowers, walking the neighborhood, sitting on the couch together—it’s the ‘together’ part that’s most comforting,” says speaker and author Joni Eareckson Tada.
3. “Tell me about them. I’d love to know who they were.”
Using the loved one’s name honors the relationship and keeps their memory alive.
“It meant the world when someone said my husband’s name,” says Heather. “It made me feel like he still mattered.”
Darlene shares, “It always meant a great deal to me when people would bring up Dan’s name and talk about him, tell me stories, make me laugh. Yes, I’m going to cry, but that’s okay. That’s normal. But let’s continue talking and keeping his memory alive.”
4. “Would it be okay if I brought you a meal this week?”
Don’t just offer to help—make your care tangible. Whether it’s food, child care, lawn care, vacuuming, driving to appointments, or grocery shopping, show love with action. One thing that was helpful to Deb was when people offered to take care of specific tasks.
“I didn't have to come up with a job for them to do. I didn’t have one more thing to think about. They loved me and wanted to help me. So, how can you help others? Offer to do something specific,” says Deb.
5. “I’m praying for you. Is there anything specific I can pray for?”
Spiritual support can be powerful—but it’s even more personal when you ask how to pray.
“A lot of times people will say, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and that’s great. But make sure, number one, you do pray. But number two, maybe ask, ‘How can I best pray for you?’” says author Robert Rogers, whose wife and four children died in a flash flood.
“Another incredibly helpful thing was prayer,” says Heather. “There’s a few people at my church I know that I can go to any time, any day and ask for prayer and just say, ‘I’m struggling. I’m hurting. I need help. And I don’t know what else to do. Will you pray for me?’ I really appreciate having the support of someone there to pray for me.”
10 things NOT to say to a grieving person
Words can wound, even when spoken with good intentions. Here are 10 phrases that often hurt more than help:
1. “I know how you feel.”
You don’t. And that’s okay. Every loss is different.
“The one that tops them all,” shares Robert, “is someone saying, ‘I know how you feel.’ Not unless you’ve gone through this … then you explain to me how I feel.”
2. “God had a plan in this.”
While meant to comfort, this can feel like a dismissal of pain.
“These types of statements can be painful to receive because it feels like you’re minimizing our pain. It feels like you’re putting a band-aid on it with a pat answer. And you’re not letting us experience our grief,” explains author Dr. Albert Hsu, whose father died by suicide.
While it’s true God does indeed have a plan for all of us, for all of life—and this is a reason for hope—the words do not typically come across as comforting in the midst of one of the worst tragedies the grieving person may have ever experienced.
3. “Be strong.”
Grievers already feel pressure to “hold it together.” This phrase can make it worse.
“That misunderstanding of ‘I need to be strong’ may lead a person to suppress their emotions. [They may think,] I don’t want to be crying in front of people or in front of my children. I want to be strong so they can see that I’m handling things well. And that may prevent the natural grief process. Suppressing emotions is not going to be healthy in the long term. This idea to ‘be strong’ can interfere with grief,” explains counselor Dr. Elias Moitinho.
4. “He’s in a better place.”
This may be true—but right now, the grieving person would give anything to have their loved one back. Even sharing Scripture can feel hurtful and like you’re not understanding the depth of their pain.
“In the days that followed Mark’s death,” shares Vanessa, “people wanted to help by offering Scripture like, ‘Grief endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning.’ And so they would pray, ‘God, diminish her grief and bring the joy.’ I know that their intent was good, but it felt harmful because they didn’t understand the depth of loss and the depth of grief. And that morning was not going to come quickly and grief is not going to ‘go away.’ When people would say those things, I just wanted them to go away. I wanted to shake them and say, ‘You don’t understand what happens with a person who has suffered this kind of loss. It’s not an easy fix. It’s not something I can just get over.”
5. “I wish you would just be the person that you were before.”
Saying this to someone who is grieving can feel like rejection when they are already struggling to get through each day. It dismisses the deep changes grief brings and can even imply they are a burden for not “bouncing back.” Instead, let them know you are willing to walk with them in who they are now, even in their sadness and slow steps forward.
“Your life is forever changed,” explains Darlene, “so you will never be that same person. You will be different because when you lose someone so close to you in your life, it changes you.”
6. “Let me know if you need anything.”
It’s vague. And grieving people often don’t know what they need—or feel too overwhelmed to ask. Before you offer the general comment of “let me know if you need anything,” wait until you have a sense of what you might offer to do for the person. Be specific in what you are offering to do (e.g., mowing the lawn, picking up groceries, cleaning, minor repairs, rides to the doctor). You might also come alongside the grieving person and help them write a list of specific tasks that need doing; then you can help the grieving person pass along the list to others.
7. “You’ll never stop grieving.”
In the early days of loss, grief can feel all-consuming. But for most people, the intense pain does ease over time, with only occasional waves of sadness returning. Now, if a grieving person is told they will always feel this way—that they’ll “never get over” this loss—it can feel horrendous and make them lose hope. A better approach is to acknowledge their deep pain now, while gently reminding them that, though they’ll always miss their loved one, the sharp edge of grief usually softens, and life can hold comfort again.
8. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This feels more like a cliché than comfort. What they need now is your presence, not your philosophy.
“I have received many comments since my husband died that have had a pinch to them. I had someone tell me, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘You’re going to find wells of resilience.’ These motivational sound bites—whether Hallmark card style or Bible verse style—[feel] as though this is some sort of motivational business seminar I’m going through, instead of the loss of my husband,” shares author Clarissa Moll.
9. “You should be over that by now.”
This phrase can feel like a slap in the face to someone whose world has been turned upside down. It suggests that grief is a switch to flip off—rather than a process to move through.
“About six months after our son’s death, my husband said something about Donny [our son] to someone at work, and this person said, ‘Aren’t you over it yet?’ When he came home, he vented, ‘People just don’t get it. So many people don’t get it,’” says author Mel Erickson
“Looking back, I know some of the things not to say to people who have suffered grief. The things that people said to me: ‘Just get over it. It’s been long enough. You should be over that by now.’ But, not knowing, you never get over that. If somebody cut your arm off, do you get over that? No. It’s like a tearing apart. It gets easier and softer over time, but it stays with you. Grief is very emotional and very painful,” shares Michele.
10. Silence: Not saying anything.
It’s not that silence is bad—it can be a gift. But avoiding the topic altogether can feel like erasure.
“Instead of pretending nothing happened, because I’m going to tell you—that’s all the grieving person is thinking about. They’re thinking, Why are they not saying anything? Why are they not mentioning the fact that my husband died? It’s really important for people not to ignore that your loved one died. You need to talk about it,” shares Darlene.
Be present and available
In conclusion, let the grieving person lead the conversation. Ask questions gently, with permission. Listen more than you speak. Your words don’t have to be perfect. In fact, the most healing thing you can do is simply show up.
“It’s not your words,” says author Ron Hutchcraft, whose wife died. “It’s your hug, your presence, your ‘I love you,’ your ‘I’m praying for you.’”
“Just sitting in sadness with someone is probably the greatest gift you can give. Because sometimes there are no words,” says Deb, after her loss.
GriefShare can help
If someone you love is grieving, consider telling them about GriefShare. It’s a 13-week, biblically based support group for people who’ve lost someone close. Here is what GriefShare participants have shared about their experience:
“It was comforting to be in a room full of people that totally understood what I was going through.” Susan
“The first meeting gave me hope.” Dave
“Being able to hear stories about what people are going through [showed me] I’m not the only one going through this.” Jenilee
“GriefShare shared the comfort and support so that healing could happen for me.” Geoff
New groups are forming every week—in person and online.
👉 Find a group at griefshare.org
