Anger at Yourself After Your Spouse Dies

After the death of your spouse, you are likely to experience a barrage of strong emotions. It’s normal to be hit with powerful waves of sadness, fear, anxiety, loneliness … and anger.

The anger comes from the conclusion that your expectations, standards, or values have been violated, producing a “That’s not right!!” or “It’s unfair!!” reaction. The anger might be directed at your deceased spouse, God, or even yourself.

Here are some reports from grievers who struggled with being angry at themselves after the deaths of their spouses:

Dave: “I was mad at myself because I didn’t get her to the doctor. I should’ve slung her over my shoulder and taken her to my doctor.” 

Krissie: “I was not angry with Eric really until the recent months, because I understood, I walked alongside Eric and I knew his pain. I knew what he was going through. I was more angry at myself in the first month that I couldn’t help him, that I couldn’t save him.” 

Marisol: “I did experience some anger after he passed away. I think it came maybe several weeks or even months after. But my anger was, I guess, more towards me. I wasn’t prepared. I started wondering how I would provide for my kids. I didn’t have any higher education, so I think I was more angry at myself for not being prepared.” 

Notice the stated reasons these grievers feel angry at themselves: “I could have done more to help.” “I should have been more prepared.” Some other common reasons for anger at oneself are:

• “I could have been more understanding and not so short-tempered with my spouse.”

• “I should have been with my spouse when he/she passed.”

• “I should have visited more.”

Can you relate to any of these reasons? Have you been contemplating how you might not have lived up to your own expectations or standards for yourself? Though not uncommon, anger at yourself is a problem if it lingers or motivates dangerous behaviors. In these cases it sidetracks your ability to move forward in your life after loss. So, it’s an issue that requires some attention.

Understanding anger at yourself

All your emotions are sources of information about what’s important to you. When you’re angry, you view the target of your anger as someone or something that unfairly or unjustly blocked you from your goals or expectations. Anger energizes you to respond. When the target of your anger is yourself, that energy might be used to yell at or berate yourself. This is what we saw reflected in Dave’s, Krissie’s, and Marisol’s quotes. 

Berating yourself is actually a form of judgment. (If you were angry at another person, you’d be motivated to yell at that individual. The intensity or your voice, plus any less than complimentary words you’d use, would be your judgment against that person.) 

These anger judgments vary in how useful or truthful they are. For example, Dave was angry at himself because he thought, “I should’ve slung her over my shoulder and taken her to my doctor.” If he had taken her to a doctor, perhaps that could have prevented the tragedy of her death. But that’s not a certainty. Furthermore, his wife might not have had any warning signs to suggest she was in imminent danger. In that case, neither she nor he could have known she needed to go to a doctor. Dave’s goal—that he protect his wife—was honorable. But he also had to grapple with the reality that he is limited in his knowledge and abilities. That means he wouldn’t always be able to protect her.

Or consider Marisol’s situation. She’s angry at herself because she was not better prepared to live on her own without her husband. Of course, she could not have known in advance when her husband would die. And the role she did adopt—stay-at-home mother homeschooling her children—was honorable. But doing that limited her ability to also prepare herself to live without her husband—which she didn’t want to do anyway. 

Looking at situations like Dave’s and Marisol’s this way points us toward a strategy for resolving anger at oneself.

Resolving anger at yourself

If you’re angry at yourself, then you have done or said something that blocks or impedes your ability to pursue a goal that is important to you. Resolving the anger is best done by using the physical energy generated in anger constructively and analyzing the goal that has been jeopardized. 

Using the energy of anger productively

• Move your body: Take a walk, pull weeds in your garden, engage in a regular exercise routine or other productive physical activities.
• Journal what you’re thinking and feeling: Be as specific as you can, without being concerned about how you’re writing.

Analyzing the goal in jeopardy

After you’ve calmed down a bit, consider: Is the goal valid and realistic? Both are important to consider. “Valid” here means “in line with a true understanding of myself and my roles.” “Realistic” means “I had the capacity to do what I wanted in a situation.” An honest appraisal will be important, so talking to others who know you and who you respect is wise. If you realize your goal is actually not realistic or no longer valid, your anger will probably calm down. 

Take Krissie’s situation as an example. She said, “I was more angry at myself in the first month that I couldn’t help him, that I couldn’t save him.” Was her goal (keeping her husband alive) valid and realistic? Yes, but only to the extent it was within her ability to do so. Her husband died by suicide. She had sought to help him in standard ways. But he chose not to accept what she urged him to do. She could not read his mind to know what he had planned to do to end his life. This realization helped her resolve her anger at herself.

Sometimes you’ll recognize, “Yes, this is valid, realistic, and important, and I really messed up.” If that’s the case, then you’ll need to think through:

• What led me to “mess up” the way I did? (Come up with ways to make “messing up” harder for yourself in the future. Having such a plan can help you move beyond the anger.)
• Are there consequences I need to face? (Is there guilt you have to deal with? In other words, do you have to apologize to or ask forgiveness of anyone? Do you need to pick up any responsibilities you might have ignored or neglected? Again, follow-through on these matters will address the anger and provide direction for moving forward.)

It’s not always easy to think through the process of resolving anger at yourself. Your new situation in life undoubtedly has added both an emotional burden and more tasks vying for your attention. Getting input from others who have gone through the challenges of loss can be very beneficial. To find a group, you can go to griefshare.org/findagroup. Groups are meeting both in person and online.