Coping with the Loss of Mom

Mom. For many, she was a source of unconditional love, support, and feelings of home. Whether you were sick or sad, had essential questions, wanted to share your good news, or were looking for direction—your mom was always there. Now that she’s gone, there’s a vast void in your life that no other person can fill. And if your relationship with your mother was strained before the loss, the void she left behind can feel even more complicated. 

Navigating the loss of your mother is one of life’s most profound and challenging experiences. Losing your mom can bring waves of deep sorrow, a longing for connection, and a sense of overwhelming absence. You may feel all these emotions all the time, or you may feel so numb that it’s difficult to pinpoint specific emotions right now. No matter what you’re feeling, it’s important to understand that your experience is normal. While everyone will experience grief in their own way, there are certain universal features that mark the grief journey. 

This article will highlight the steps you can take to cope with the loss of your mom and move forward in a healthy way. 

1. Recognizing and validating your emotions

Losing a mother can stir a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes even guilt or relief. It’s important to know that grief is complex and deeply personal, and every individual processes loss differently. You may feel lost, disoriented, or like a part of you is missing. Or you may even feel relief, especially if your mom had been suffering from a prolonged illness. No matter how you’re feeling, your unique grief response is natural, and there is no “correct” way to feel. 

While your emotions may feel too overwhelming and all over the place to pinpoint each one, recognizing and validating each emotion as it arises is essential to moving forward. This means trying to name each emotion and then allowing yourself to express that feeling. This exercise can help: Make a list of the emotions you’ve been dealing with recently. For each one, write down the memories, beliefs, and desires associated with this emotion. For example, if you feel lonely, name that feeling out loud, write it down, or tell a family member or friend. Then write down or share: 

• Memories associated with that emotion – “I would call my mom daily on my ride home from work. Loneliness hits hard every time I get into the car at 5 pm on a weekday.”
• Beliefs associated with that emotion – “She’s the only one who would listen to every minor detail of my life and actually care about it.” 
• Desires associated with that emotion – “I just want to hear her voice and feel the love, care, and attention she always gave me.”

Since you likely have many different emotions, focus on them one at a time. Also, writing them down tends to be more effective than simply thinking of your answers. Be sure to break this exercise up into multiple settings; it will help you slow down any chaos or confusion in your mind and start untangling emotions.

2. Understanding the grief journey

The grief that happens after losing your mom propels you on a journey that doesn’t follow a linear path—and worse yet, it’s a journey that no one’s ever prepared for. This can leave you feeling lost and confused on how to move forward. In fact, one day you might feel like you’ve taken a step forward in healing (“I managed to make it through work without crying today”), only to take two steps backward the next day (“I thought I was over this, but I heard a song at the store that reminded me of her, and I had to run to the car to avoid crying in front of everyone”). 

Rather than viewing healing as a destination, it’s essential to view grief as a journey with switchbacks and bumps along the way—and to not place expectations of healing on yourself. Instead, take one step at a time and understand that many of the emotional paths may feel familiar (and unwelcome), and that’s okay! It’s all part of the grief journey that can only be navigated one step at a time.

3. Developing healthy coping mechanisms

When you lose your mom, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb the pain. This might look like overeating, binging TV, drinking, sleeping too much, etc. While these actions might feel good in the moment, they will only prolong your grief in the long run. 

On the reverse, healthy coping mechanisms can help you work through the difficult emotions and experiences you’re facing to take steps forward. Healthy coping mechanisms might look like:

• Journaling: Writing about your emotions, memories, or even unsaid words can provide a release and a safe space to express the experiences that may feel too complex to share with others. 
• Practice being present: When you’re feeling especially overwhelmed, taking steps to ground yourself in the present moment—like deep breathing and focusing on the objects around you—can help take your mind off your emotions and give you relief.
• Physical activity: Engaging in gentle exercise, such as walking, swimming, or biking can release endorphins, help relieve feelings of sadness or anxiety, and provide a healthy outlet for emotional stress.
• Creative expression: Many find solace in creating art, music, or crafts. No matter how you express yourself creatively, art can be a powerful way to channel emotions, helping you process feelings in a meaningful, tangible way.
• Establishing new rituals: Creating a personal ritual, like lighting a candle for your mother each evening or visiting a place that was special to you both, can bring comfort and a sense of feeling close to her memory.

4. Relying on your support network

The grief journey can feel lonely, which is why it’s critical to lean into your support systems for comfort and help. Wondering what this might look like? The following ideas can help give you an idea:

• Family and friends: Sharing memories, laughter, and even tears with loved ones who also knew your mother can be profoundly comforting. As you reminisce together, it keeps her spirit alive and helps all of you work through the shared loss feeling less alone.
• Support groups: Being around other people who understand what you’re going through after the death of your mother can be immensely healing. You can find these people at GriefShare, a grief support group that offers a safe space to connect and practical tools to work through your loss. 
• Counselors: Grief counseling can be incredibly beneficial, especially when navigating complex emotions. A grief counselor can offer tools to manage grief, facilitate emotional healing, and also provide guidance on handling daily life without your mother’s presence. 
• Church: Talking to your pastor or finding a local church can be an essential part of the healing process and help you find answers to the difficult questions you’re likely processing right now.

5. Cherishing memories and creating new traditions

Honoring your mother’s memory is a beautiful way to keep her spirit alive and maintain a connection with her. Here are some ways to cherish and celebrate her legacy:

• Preserving keepsakes: Collecting meaningful items—such as letters, photographs, or heirlooms—can create a physical link to your mother. Consider making a memory box filled with cherished items that remind you of her love, wisdom, and influence. This can serve as a comforting reminder of her presence and create a space for reflection.
• Writing a letter or diary entries to her: Many people find comfort in writing letters to their loved ones. You might want to write about your day, express emotions, or share milestones. This ongoing communication can bring a sense of closeness and help you process the changes in your life.
• Celebrating her life on special days: Anniversaries, birthdays, and other special dates can be bittersweet. Consider celebrating these occasions by engaging in an activity she loved, such as making her favorite meal or watching her favorite movie. 
• Going places she liked to go: Zori shares, “We have chosen to honor my mom in doing things she would have loved to do. We found ourselves going to places she liked to go, cooking meals she liked to [cook], and making the jokes she always made.”
• Living by her values: One of the most powerful ways to honor your mother is by embodying the values she taught you. If she believed in kindness, volunteer in her honor. If she was passionate about creativity, continue exploring that path. Living out the qualities she cherished allows her influence to continue shaping your life.

As you take these steps, it’s important to remember that moving forward after your mother’s death doesn’t mean leaving her memory behind. Instead, it’s about integrating her love and influence into your life as you continue on your journey. Navigating the grief journey is a process. As you move forward, you will find a “new normal” that includes both the absence and the enduring presence of her love. While grief doesn’t disappear; it transforms and will soften over time. There will alway be moments when you miss her, but eventually, that pain may begin to coexist with moments of peace and gratitude.

These steps might feel impossible right now. And that’s okay! No matter where you’re at on this journey, please know that you’re not alone. At GriefShare, we’re here for you, and we’ve created tools to help you walk through the unique pain of losing a mother. One of these tools is Remembering Mom, a free, online, on-demand webinar that’s full of practical tips, personal stories, and encouragement from people who understand what you’re going through. 

Along with registering for this free webinar, we encourage you to create a free GriefShare account, which will give you access to helpful online resources, including topical videos and articles to help with the specific issues you’re facing. 

While the free webinar and GriefShare account will help you at home, nothing can replace the healing that happens when you connect with other people on the same grief journey—which is why we also encourage you to sign up for a GriefShare group. This 13-week grief support group provides a safe space where you find ongoing support, connection, and hope.