A thousand moments of life can pass without notice, but then one event can change reality…or at least, the way we perceive reality. We often call such a weighty event a crisis. A crisis is like a pair of shears that cuts life into two sections: a before, and an after.
The loss of a child is such a crisis, a cutting, because it separates people and redefines life. You were separated from your child, and that loss can separate you from other parents who enjoy their “normal” lives with their children. The moment you heard that your child was gone ended one part of your life and began a new reality. Whether you collapsed in overwhelming pain, withdrew into solitude, burst into anger, or even went numb, that moment changed your world.
Before, the world and your place in it made more sense. You were doing what other parents do. It might have been difficult, but you were going with it. But after, all that changed. Your child’s death profoundly impacts you, thrusting you into a new, bleak world. How do you proceed now? Patient and intentional responses in the immediate and the long term can significantly aid your navigation in this new world, in the realities of life after.
On one hand, no two people are the same, and no two stories will be identical. On the other hand, grieving people share a common humanity which generates common themes in their stories of grief. You may find that some of these elements resonate with your own experience.
Confusion and disbelief
Most parents struggle to believe that their child really is gone, whether in that cutting moment or throughout the long process of grieving. This response makes sense: we all seek to make sense of our world and our story within it. In the parent-child relationship, the pattern is that parents bring children into existence, nurture them into adulthood, and precede them in death. The death of a child is an absurd plot twist, an experience that directly contradicts normal expectations for how life should unfold. Shock, confusion, and disbelief are natural responses to an unnatural loss, with direct impact on a person’s view of the world, other people, and sometimes God as well.
Identity
Confusion and disbelief about the death of your child can lead to other questions about your own sense of identity. Your child shared a unique relationship with you, as a person who literally came from you. It’s natural to feel that you have lost a part of yourself. Furthermore, you may have viewed your career and parental care as extensions of your identity because both were directed at giving your children a future. Since that future is stripped away, you might struggle to find meaning in your work. You might even wonder how your life matters if you’ve lost the purpose you had investing in your children.
Maybe you’ve been surprised by your grief responses, and you wonder what that might mean about you. For example, if you feel numb, perhaps you’ve asked yourself, “What kind of person wouldn’t cry over the death of their own child?” This kind of question can also come from friends or family who do not understand how you are processing your loss. Their questions can compound your struggle to understand who you are in light of what you have lost.
Emotions
Among other things, bereaved parents often feel profound sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt, or anxiety. Recognizing why you’re experiencing these emotions can help you process your grief.
Sadness indicates the loss of something valuable. Since your child was supremely valuable to you, deep sadness reflects the magnitude of your loss. This emotion can contribute to depression and despair, as some parents express the desire to have died instead of their child, or even to join their child in death now.
Anger expresses the conviction that something is wrong–and often unfair. In one sense, it is true that the death of a child is wrong: humans were not designed to suffer this loss, and anger reveals an awareness of that reality. Furthermore, you might feel angry towards people you believe could have prevented your child’s death, whether that is yourself, others, or God.
You might feel guilty, rehearsing the circumstances of your child’s death and imagining anything you could have done differently. These thoughts arise from your commitment to protect your child, especially if your child was young. You also may regret decisions while you still had your child with you, such as: “I should have worked less so I could’ve been home with him more.”
Anxiety projects sadness in the future, anticipating further loss. Perhaps you now fear losing other people you care for. Perhaps you foresee a lonely future with no children or grandchildren to love you in your old age. You suffered a loss you would never have imagined. Now, you can readily imagine the loss of anything valuable, and that generates considerable anxiety.
Physical health
Your own health may be impacted by your loss and grief. Perhaps you struggle to sleep, troubled by thoughts when lying awake or plagued by dreams when you finally do fall asleep. Grieving people often lose their desire to eat. Additionally, some parents struggling with depression may stop spending time outdoors. The lack of sunlight can intensify symptoms of depression and weaken the body overall. If physical disruptions persist over time, your immune system may weaken and leave you vulnerable to other health issues.
Your child’s death shattered your expectations for life. The impact of this loss can disrupt your sense of personal continuity and identity, generating strong emotions and even impacting your physical health.
What can you do in the immediate aftermath of your child’s death to move forward from this crisis toward healing?
First, give yourself time to grieve, but remember that you are more than what you are suffering. So, don’t ignore or deny your pain, but be careful not to measure your identity by how you are experiencing this process. Your identity and purpose extend beyond being a parent. You can continue to learn and grow, finding ways to meaningfully care for others with your unique personality and abilities. Grieve this loss, and yet, remember that it does not have to define your life.
Love your spouse
Second, talk with and listen to your spouse. Parents who lose a child can struggle in their relationship with their spouse as well. Your marriage may suffer from misperceptions, which are common when two people experience loss differently. Seek to recognize how your spouse is grieving. Evaluate whether you find yourselves withdrawing or miscommunicating. Ask your spouse how you can be supportive, and share what kind of support you desire to receive. Consider individual or marriage counseling to help facilitate this process. Essentially, bereaved parents need each other: give attention and get help as needed to maintain your marriage after losing your child.
Care for your physical health
Third, consider your own physical health. See your doctor if you persistently struggle to eat or sleep, or need care for any pre-existing conditions. Focus on the basics necessary for well-being: physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate hydration. Start small; even a short walk or light workout will be good for your body and mind. Go outside and mindfully engage your senses.
Reminisce
Fourth, remember your child. Your friends and family may assume that you want to avoid speaking about your child. Tell them if you want to hear their thoughts and memories and feel free to share yours. You may want to create something that tells your child’s story, whether that is a written biography, a collection of significant items, a work of art, a poem, or some other medium you enjoy.
Be open to joy
Fifth, allow yourself to enjoy other aspects of life. In one sense, anything you enjoyed before is somehow different, because your world is different without your child. Additionally, you might feel that joy would be a kind of betrayal to the child you lost. However, letting your life become a story of uninterrupted sorrow does not honor your child. Let your grief be interrupted by moments of joy, whether it is appreciation of a sunset, a well-cooked meal, the persistent presence of a faithful friend, or the antics of a playful pet. And if you have other children at home, continue to engage with them. Expect these good moments to progressively inject happiness; it’s a common trajectory for healing in grief, as you move forward in life after loss.
As you walk the long road of grieving your child’s death, you will need resources of meaning, hope, and community.
Meaning
First, seek to find meaning for the pain you have endured. This process will likely take time. Your view of the world is different now. You need a perspective on reality that can explain human fragility and offer confidence in a purpose bigger than the immediate and overwhelming pain you feel. In the Bible, God provides a way to find meaning in even the most disorienting losses. After the death of his daughter, Mark Vroegop began a journey of lament that deepened his faith and enabled him to comfort many others in their grief. His book Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy 1 will help you honestly face your loss and pain, learning to find meaning in relationship to God and other people after your loss.
Hope
Second, focus on hope for the future. In the Bible, hope is a confident expectation for the future. It arises from a recognition that God is at work in our lives, and although His purposes aren’t always clear, they are trustworthy.
Part of His purpose for us is to use our gifts and resources to serve others. Serving others will help you find both purpose and hope, as you do good for others and learn to see good in your life. In this way, it becomes part of the process of healing.
Community
Third, seek community. Talk honestly, to other people and to God. Speaking of your loss may not bring immediate relief, but silence will not send the pain away. While it may seem that God is far away from you in your suffering, remember that God does understand the grief of death. Jesus, His Son, died. Grief: Walking with Jesus 2 is a book of short reflections written to bring you comfort by considering the compassionate care of God for you in your grief. The prayers of the book Every Moment Holy, Volume II: Death, Grief, and Hope can help you find words when you do not know what to say.
Seek connection with other people who can offer you empathy and compassion. Family and friends who knew you before can walk with you in the years after, and you need their steady support. A wise counselor can help you process the effects of losing your child and find hope to move forward. Additionally, others who have also experienced the death of a child can listen and speak with personal understanding.
GriefShare provides exactly this kind of connection and support. You don’t have to walk alone through the grief of life after. To connect with others who have shared similar experiences, to learn how to process your loss, and to grow in hope moving forward, find a GriefShare group by going to griefshare.org.
1 Mark Vroegop, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2019).
2 Robert W. Kellemen, Grief: Walking With Jesus (Philipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2018).