Geese fly in a V formation for a reason. When the lead bird grows tired or falls to the back of the V, another steps in—and the others tighten formation, flying even closer to reduce wind resistance and help each other make it home. They adjust, stay together, and carry one another.
A honeybee colony is different. A hive’s survival after the queen dies depends on how the colony responds. It has a narrow window to regroup. If it does, the hive thrives again. If not, it falls apart. Many fall into disarray and unravel. The bees lose their “sense of purpose” and wander. The colony weakens and breaks apart.
Our families are similar when a parent dies. Parents often act as glue—they are sometimes mediators and often the gathering point for the family. When a parent dies, some families respond like geese—adjusting and drawing closer together. Others are like a disorganized hive. When a parent dies it may fuel long-standing family tension or create new relational distance.
It’s important to know how to grieve well with your siblings. The first place to start is knowing why grieving with siblings can be difficult.
Grieving alongside siblings can be difficult
You might think that because you’re mourning the same loss, your experience of grief will be parallel. Part of the challenge of grieving alongside anyone, siblings included, is that every person experiences loss uniquely. Even though the parent is shared, the relationship each child had with them was unique. One sibling may feel overwhelming sorrow, another may carry unresolved hurt. Some may grieve the parent they had; others, the parent they wished they’d had. This was Rachel’s experience:
We all grieved my dad differently. My older sister had made peace with his decline, but I was still holding on to regrets. My brother, who’s more quiet and logical, didn’t say much—but we’d check in with each other in small ways. It surprised me how, even though we weren’t talking about it constantly, I still felt a kind of closeness to him in the grief. Like we both knew something had shifted in our family, and we were holding it together in our own ways.
Grief has a way of pulling old family patterns to the surface. Without even realizing it, siblings can slip back into the roles they played growing up—the planner, the peacemaker, the one who shuts down, the one who takes over.
Navigating these family tensions compounded Brittney’s grief. She was the eldest and the weight of responsibility quickly took over. “I felt this inherent responsibility to pick up the pieces and make sure my four siblings—and my grandmother—were okay,” she said. “So emotionally, I kind of shut down.” She didn’t try to take her mother’s place, but she stepped into the role of mediator and caretaker—just as she had while growing up. “I poured most of my energy into everyone else,” she said, “and I didn’t give myself space to be okay—or not okay.”
At the same time that Brittney was trying to pull everyone together, her younger brother was pulling away, even skipping the funeral. “That was hard to process,” she said quietly. “My mom loved him so much.” The family didn’t just lose a mother—they lost their glue. And without her, they each grieved in their own way, sometimes together and sometimes apart.
When a sibling grieves in an unhealthy way, this creates another layer of loss. That’s what happened to Jason after his mother died and his brother responded by making destructive choices:
My brother turned to drinking and started handling things in a negative way. He blames God—he questions Him, gets angry with Him. And that’s been hard for me to watch, because I don’t carry that blame the way he does. His life really started unraveling before Mom died, but losing her seemed to make everything worse. He’s incarcerated now because of the choices he’s made. I pray for him every day. It’s been difficult to grieve Mom while also grieving the way my brother’s life has gone.
Watching a sibling fall apart is heartbreaking—but even in less extreme situations, the strain of grieving differently can create tension in unexpected places. Even well-meaning efforts to help the family move forward can create friction. One sibling might want to clean out the house quickly, while another can’t bear to change anything yet. Someone might want to keep holiday traditions alive; someone else might feel they’re too painful to continue. While these might expose things like an underlying desire for control, more times than not it’s really just different ways of coping with loss.
For some families the practical decisions that follow a parent’s death (funeral arrangements, wills, care for a surviving parent) can lead to the unraveling of relationships. These responsibilities add pressure to already raw emotions, forcing siblings to work together while everyone is still reeling. If communication breaks down, grief can morph into conflict. Even families that once functioned well may find themselves unraveling. It’s not because they don’t care, but because they’ve never had to navigate something like this before.
Sandy and her siblings had a great strategy. She says,
Early on, my brother, sister, and I made a commitment: no matter what happened with the house or the land, we wouldn’t let it damage our relationship. That was what mattered most: Our relationship had eternal significance. Everything else would pass away.
Regarding the decision of when to sell their parents’ house, they chose to wait for all of the siblings to feel ready. While that slowed up the selling process, it also strengthened their relationship with one another. She shares, “We waited on each other, and after a year and a half we were finally ready. We went through everything—kept some, donated some, threw things out—and eventually rented the house.”
Grieving alongside siblings can also be helpful
While grieving with siblings can be trying, it may also be an unexpected gift in a season of loss. No one else shares the exact relationship you had with your parent, but your siblings come the closest. They may have shared the same dinner table, heard the same stories, and shared the same rhythms of life under your parents’ roof. When words are hard to come by, your siblings often already understand.
It is also helpful not to walk through this alone. While you may express your grief differently, simply knowing there are others grieving the same loss can be comforting. It may give you a safe person (or persons) for whom you don’t have to perform or protect from your feelings. You don’t have to pretend with them that you’re okay—because they’re not okay either.
For Guenn, it was the simple presence of her sister that helped her through the early waves of grief. “I was surprised at how intense the grief was,” she said. “I just missed my little moments with Mom so much … I called her ‘Little Mama’ or ‘Sweet Mama,’ and everything in my daily routine was wrapped around caring for her.” After their mother died, Guenn’s older sister—who lived in the same home—became a quiet source of strength. “Sometimes we just cried together,” she said. “It was a gift to have her there so I wasn’t alone.” Her other sisters, though farther away, supported her in thoughtful ways—praying with her, checking in, even covering utility bills during a difficult financial stretch. “That was her idea,” Guenn added. “I never would’ve thought to ask.” Her grief didn’t vanish, but it became more bearable in the presence of people who understood it from the inside.
Sometimes, grief can soften old tensions. While it’s true that on occasion the death of a parent will widen the gap between you and a sibling, in some cases it brings a kind of clarity that helps siblings remember what matters most. Some siblings find themselves reconnecting in new ways or even forming bonds that didn’t exist before.
Sharing grief can also tighten bonds that were already strong. Even small gestures—like sending a memory, sharing a dream, or checking in on an anniversary—can help strengthen connections with your siblings.
Grieving together doesn’t mean that everyone is grieving the same things at the same time. But it does mean that nobody is carrying the weight alone. When siblings are willing to listen, to show grace to one another, and lean on each other—even if imperfectly—they can be a huge asset in the grief process.
How to maintain family unity through this period
Grief can pull people closer together or further apart. The key is that siblings need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that everyone is walking through something difficult. There is a proverb found in the Bible that is helpful for a time like this:
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11
One of the most helpful things siblings can do is talk openly about how they’re each experiencing the loss. That doesn’t mean every conversation has to be deep or dramatic, simply honest. Sometimes just saying something as simple as, “This is hard for me, and here’s why,” can lower tension and help others empathize. Without these conversations, it’s easy to make assumptions. And assumptions will almost always widen distance instead of tighten bonds. It’s good to remember that grief tends to make people more reactive, not less. Clarity and kindness will go a long way in this season.
It’s also helpful to be honest about expectations. You shouldn’t expect everyone to grieve the same way that you are. And others shouldn’t expect you to fit their mold for what grief should look like. You don’t have to agree with every decision or even feel close all the time. But you can choose from the beginning to be dedicated to honoring each other. You can decide, again and again and again, to treat each other as people who are hurting and not people who are failing.
It may also be unifying to focus on a shared project together. Planning a memorial project or tradition and giving each person their own unique role can help you create something beautiful together. And if you aren’t able to do this, know that sometimes the best and most unifying thing you can do is simply show up—especially for the harder moments. A shared meal, a group text with old photos, and attending the memorial service together, are reminders that you’re still family.
The kind of patience and grace required doesn’t come naturally, especially in seasons of stress and sorrow. Thankfully help is available. God doesn’t abandon us in these moments. He also gives us the Bible which points us not only to wise advice, but to a God who knows what it means to walk through sorrow. In Jesus, we see someone who grieved, who was patient with the weak, and someone who offers the kind of mercy we often struggle to give to each other. If you’re finding it hard to carry both grief and grace in this season, you don’t have to do it alone. His strength is available for those who ask.
You may also find that outside help is needed. Family systems are powerful—but not always equipped to heal themselves. One avenue to receive help is through a support group. One grief support program that builds on Jesus’ model, guidance, and strength is GriefShare. GriefShare has guided thousands of grievers on their grief journeys. To find a GriefShare group, either online or in-person, go to griefshare.
