The night after Vaneetha’s infant son died, she got out of bed around 4:00 am, unable to sleep. Her 2 ½ old daughter heard her and came out to her.
“Where’s baby Paul?” she inquired.
Vaneetha stood there, stunned by the question. She pondered, “How do I do it? My two and a half year old daughter knew that her brother was gone. And so the first thing I said to her was Jesus came and took baby Paul. I didn’t know what to say. Nobody had told me what to say to a child. And she said, ‘When is he coming back?’
“And I said, well, he’s never coming back. He’s in heaven. How do we explain it to her? I finally said Paul is dead. At two and a half, I don’t think she even knew what that meant. Eventually she just said, ‘oh, okay.’ She went off to her room. I didn’t know what to do. I remember sitting there thinking nobody’s ever prepared me for this.”
Deb would empathize with Vaneetha. Deb’s husband, Wally, was killed in a car accident that also severely injured her teenage son, Jacob. She recalls, “After Jacob had turned a corner, we were getting into a routine. But then it all hit. I would say my lowest moment was when [nine-year-old] Rebecca came to me sobbing. ‘Why did this have to happen to us? Why did this have to happen to us? And she said it over and over again, and I had no answer. I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t make it better. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever done is watch my kids grieve their father.”
The death of a loved one typically prompts heavy questions that we aren’t well equipped to answer. It’s interesting that young children wonder about some of these questions as well. But at a time when they most want to provide answers, parents often are at a loss for what to say and how to say it in a way their children can understand.
Here’s an important truth: Answering a child’s questions about death and the afterlife will always be a challenge, so you’ll need to be gracious toward yourself. There is going to be a learning curve for a few reasons:
Having said that, though, here are some guidelines to keep in mind as you help your grieving son, daughter or grandchild.
A key way in which parents teach their children is by modeling ways of responding to life situations. If you talk about your hurt, sadness, or confusion, it gives children the assurance it’s okay for them to do so as well. Crying is a part of that modeling too. With young children, however, intense displays of emotion can be frightening. Those are better expressed in private. If you find yourself unable to function effectively, don’t hesitate to talk to a grief counselor. Otherwise, you won’t be able to help your children with their grief.
Children don’t process information the same way as adults do. They won’t think of a list of concerns or questions to raise with you all at once. They will mention their concerns or questions as they happen to arise in their minds. Or, with toddlers or preschoolers concerns might be suggested by the way they play. By spending time with your children you are in the best position to hear their questions or get glimpses of the impact of their loss in their behavior. Furthermore, continuing regular routines, as much as possible, also fosters a sense of security for children.
Carla found the benefit of being present with her children after the death of her husband:
I found pretty quickly that they just grew fatigued with questions like, how are you doing? I found it helpful just to ask what’s going on, and as they talked about what was happening, I’d listen for where there is a bigger emotional response than seemed warranted. Caring for them in their grief really looked a lot like walking together with them through life and listening for how they were interpreting it.
When children grieve, it won’t only show up in questions. Young children might also become more clingy, whiny, or irritable. They might experience tummy aches, a decreased appetite, difficulty getting to sleep, or nightmares. They might regress in their behaviors (for example, bedwetting, fear of the dark, or an inability to tie their shoes). These behaviors can be wearisome for adults who are also grieving, but patience will be well-rewarded in the long-run.
It’s also common for children, especially before the age of six, to go from hearing distressing news to going about their usual activities as they normally would. This is not an indication that the distressing news had no impact. It simply reflects their limited capacity to grasp its implications all at once. Again, being with them, talking about their lives, playing with them, resuming regular routines, allows you to get a clearer picture of their attempts to deal with their loss.
Children’s level of development will influence how they process the information you provide. Here are general descriptions of how children in different age groups might understand death:
Children are likely to repeat questions about their loss as they try to grasp its impact on their lives (for example, confirming the loved one is still gone). Be willing to engage with them in these repeat conversations. Asking what they understand about the topic they raise is often a good place to start. Then provide brief answers to their questions and give them the opportunity to ask follow-up questions if they desire more information.
In your answers, be sure to use simple, concrete vocabulary. According to children’s grief expert Mel Erickson, “The most gentle way to tell a child about death is to begin at the beginning and tell the story.” For example:
Grandpa was having pains in his chest. And so Grandma took him to the doctor, and the doctor discovered he had heart problems. The doctor gave him medicine and did everything he could to help Grandpa get well. But his heart wouldn’t work. Then he died. That means his body doesn’t work anymore. He can’t breathe. He can’t talk. He can’t see or hear or feel a touch.
You probably will be asked questions you’re not sure how to answer. Family ministry expert Dr. Shelly Melia offers some advice on how to handle these situations: “I think an appropriate response would be, ‘That’s a great question. And I want to make sure I answer it just right for you. So could you give me a few hours to think about it?’ And as long as you follow up with a later conversation, then kids will be okay with that.”
Friends, teachers, school counselors, etc., can help monitor or respond to your grieving children. Although they won’t necessarily be with your children as much as you, when they are, they can potentially see or hear something you would have missed. The more information you have about how your children are behaving after a loss, the quicker you can address issues if they arise.
If the one who died was a parent, there is another benefit of involving other trusted adults in your children’s life. Jerry Sittser shares what he did on behalf of his children:
One day it occurred to me. They didn’t just lose their mother. They lost us, Linda and me together–all the teasing, the humor, the affection, the cooperation, the decision-making, all of it. Now, I couldn’t fix that. I did decide, however, to bring other adults into the home consistently. So my kids grew up in a home where there were a lot of adults around the dinner table. I kind of built a community of people that were around quite a bit. They could still see adults’ functioning, having conversations, being playful, and all the rest.
If you’re grieving along with your children, you too could benefit from a supportive community of people. One possibility is a GriefShare group. In a GriefShare group you will hear from experts and fellow grievers. You will receive a participant guide with exercises, Bible studies, and brief articles that will provide suggestions for responding to your loss and considering what the future might hold. And there are additional video resources to help you care for your grieving children. To find a group, go to GriefShare.org/find.