You’re walking through the grocery store, focused on your list—milk, bread, maybe your loved one’s favorite snack—when suddenly, there it is. That item. That memory. That ache. You stop mid-aisle, heart pounding, throat tightening. Tears well up out of nowhere.
That’s a grief ambush.
Grief ambushes are intense waves of sadness or other emotions that catch you by surprise. They often show up long after you thought the worst of the pain had passed. These emotional “sneak attacks” can hit in everyday moments—while driving, shopping, cooking dinner, or scrolling through photos on your phone.
Even years after a loved one’s death, an ordinary sound, smell, place, or date can stir up emotions that feel as raw as they did in the first few weeks of your loss.
You’re not going crazy. And you’re not back at square one! This is part of what’s normal in grief.
When a grief ambush happens, it’s often because something meaningful has triggered your memory. It might be a song on the radio, a scent in the air, or a person who resembles your loved one. Suddenly, that moment becomes sacred and painful all at once.
Counselor Dr. John Trent remembers sitting at a coffee shop when the sound of a walker—a quiet, rhythmic click-click-click—brought him to tears. It reminded him of his mother’s walker. “All of a sudden, I’ve got tears in my eyes,” he said. “Just a sound. That’s all it took.”
Grief ambushes hurt because they remind you of what you’ve lost. But they also remind you of how deeply you loved.
Here are some common grief ambush triggers:
Sometimes, the trigger doesn’t make sense. It feels like one moment you’re fine. The next, you’re undone. Jan, a GriefShare group leader, describes how she can walk down the same grocery aisle 10 times and feel fine. “Then the 11th time I see something he loved, and it makes me cry. So I cry a little bit. And that’s okay.”
You can’t always avoid a grief ambush, but you can have a plan for what to do when one occurs:
1. Remind yourself this is normal
Tell yourself, “This is grief, and it’s okay. Grief ambushes are a normal part of loss. I will get through it.” Naming the ambush in the moment as being okay, and to be expected, helps you regain a sense of control.
2. Breathe and allow yourself to grieve
Take a few slow, deep breaths. Inhale for four seconds, hold it for four, exhale for four. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. Don’t try to shove it down.
3. Find a safe space
If possible, step away to a quiet spot: a restroom, your car, a corner of the store. Cry if you need to. Pray. Breathe. Take your time.
4. Talk to someone
Text or call a friend who understands. Tell them what just happened. You don’t need a fix—just a listener, someone who will come alongside you and support you through the moment.
Carry small items that help calm and ground you—like:
Identify your triggers
Are there dates, places, or situations that tend to stir up strong emotions? Knowing your triggers can help you make a plan. Thinking about potential triggers, even writing them down, before you go into a situation can help.
For example, if your spouse loved Christmas and always helped decorate the house, give yourself extra margin—pulling out the decorations might be especially painful. Make a plan for yourself that includes support from others, rest and self-care, and flexibility to potentially decorate a little more simply this year. You might also set aside time to write down favorite Christmas decorating memories of your loved one, or to pull out and focus on some of the more meaningful decorations that you associate with your loved one.
“I’ve learned not to fight it. If I start crying in church because of a hymn or a verse, I just let myself cry. Thankfully, people know that’s normal for me now, and they give me the space I need,” shares author Clarissa Moll, who lost her husband.
Heather, after losing her sister, realized it helps to step away when possible. “I had to leave my cart and run out of the store when I smelled her perfume. I’ve learned it’s okay to remove myself, take a breath, and feel it instead of pushing through.”
Bekah prepares for the known triggers—but also gives herself grace when ambushes strike unexpectedly. “I’ve stopped trying to control the timing. Now, when it hits days later and I’m sobbing, I just let it happen. I don’t need a reason.”
Sonya found comfort in seeking privacy during intense moments. “I went behind our minivan and just broke down—tears, pain, everything. I’ve learned that stepping away and allowing myself to release the emotion helps me recover.”
Grief is a tangle of emotions—sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, fear. As counselor Winston T. Smith says, “Don’t edit or censor what you’re feeling. Let the feelings expose the questions of your soul.”
Instead of trying to control or suppress these feelings, let them lead you to God.
In moments of grief, God doesn’t turn away. He draws near. Psalm 34:18 promises, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When your heart is shattered and the pain feels too heavy to carry, this verse is an anchor of hope. God sees your sorrow. He’s not distant or disinterested—He’s present and compassionate.
Jesus understands your pain. At the tomb of His dear friend Lazarus, He didn’t deliver a theological lecture or urge people to “move on.” He wept. John 11:35 tells us, “Jesus wept.” Two simple words packed with meaning. They show us that Jesus is moved by loss. He shares in our sorrow. Your tears aren’t a sign of weakness—they’re a sign of love. And Jesus gets it.
This is the truth you can cling to: God is with you. He hasn’t abandoned you, and He never will.
As Rob shares, “At first I felt that God was very distant. I didn’t feel like He was responding to my prayers. I was praying for peace and comfort, and although I would have periods where I felt better, it always seemed like I went back to the strong anxiety and fear. But I’d learned, as I went through the GriefShare sessions and from people that I would talk to, that God’s the only one that can get you through this. So I continued to pray to Him and [read the Bible]. After several months, when I started to see I was making progress, I realized that while at first I thought God was distant, it turns out He was right there the whole time.”
“If your heart is broken and shattered, I encourage you to draw near to God, as I did after my wife and four children perished, drowned in a flash flood,” says author Robert Rogers. “Because the Bible says draw near to Him and He will draw near to us [James 4:8]. And Psalm 34 says God is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. So if you just take a little step of faith to draw near to God, you’ll find that He is very close to the brokenhearted.”
Grief ambushes can feel like setbacks. But they are a very normal part of the grieving process. Give yourself grace. Cry if you need to. Talk to someone who gets it. And keep taking one small step forward at a time.
If you’re not already part of a grief support group, a GriefShare group can make all the difference. In a GriefShare group, you’ll meet people who understand, who won’t judge, and who can walk beside you.
“GriefShare was one of the best things I did to help me maneuver through grief,” shares Glenda.
Discover more about grief ambushes and practical ways to handle them, and find insights on other common grief experiences in these helpful resources.
As your grief journey continues, you may find yourself noticing others who are hurting—people you can relate to in a new way. Your experience, while painful, can become a quiet source of comfort for someone else.
Many who’ve been helped through GriefShare discover a surprising sense of strength and purpose when they come alongside others. As Sandra says, “It was a safe place to connect and share with others.”
You don’t need to have everything figured out. Sometimes, just showing up with compassion is enough. When you’re ready, you’ll find gentle ways to help others—and discover more healing in the process. Visit griefshare.org/comfort for encouragement and ideas.