What color shirt did you wear 47 days ago?
Unless you took a picture on that day or something extraordinary happened, there is a good chance that you have no idea what shirt you wore. That’s not a big deal, though. Is it?
But let’s think about that for a moment. Because you have no memory of your shirt that day, you’ve lost the ability to reenter that day fully. That means you’ve lost a bit of connection to that version of yourself—the person who chose that shirt for a reason, on that particular day.
Forgetting isn’t just about losing data. It’s about disconnection from experiences.
And this is what so many fear when it comes to losing a loved one. Forgetting what shirt you wore isn’t truly that significant, because it likely didn’t shape who you are, how you love, or what you will carry going forward. But forgetting a loved one? That matters. You know that if you forget the stories they told, that certain look in their eyes, or the little quirks that made them uniquely them, you lose an important connection.
Thankfully, there are many ways we keep the memory of our parent alive. And many of them are mercifully simple.
Keep their memory through the ordinary
When we think of memory we often gravitate to those big moments—birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and vacations. But our lives are lived out in the ordinary moments. And it’s in the ordinary things where their absence feels the strangest. It is in the ordinary where grief often rears its head. But it’s also in the ordinary where you create most of the memories of your parent.
Dr. Zoricelis Davila has found it helpful to honor her mother through simple things. She shares:
We’ve chosen to honor my mom by doing the things she loved. We’ve gone to places she enjoyed, cooked meals she used to make, and even repeated the jokes she always told. My mom had a great sense of humor—my brother inherited it more than I did—and keeping that part of her alive matters to us. We’ve also made sure to stay connected as a family, because that’s what she would have wanted. On her birthday, we bought the cake she always liked and prepared it just the way she would have. I remember thinking, I’m going to celebrate the fact that she was my mom, that I had her for so long. I’m going to eat her favorite cake and her favorite ice cream. These may seem like small things, but they’ve helped us hold on to her in the everyday.
Ebony’s mother made an amazing pound cake. A couple months before her mom passed away, Ebony shares that she “had the foresight (the divine foresight from God) to video her making the pound cake.” Now Ebony is able to watch that video and make the pound cake just like her mother. By continuing to make this dessert the way her mother did, she is able to keep her memory alive for future generations.
You don’t have to force big traditions—helpful as that might be. Small, repeated actions can help tie memory to real life. It might be as simple as using your mom’s old casserole dish, repeating a phrase your dad always said, or keeping a photo in a place where you’ll see it every day. Telling the same joke, cooking their favorite recipe, saying “Dad always used to say …”, is a way to continue your bond and bring their memory into the next generation.
These are ways of keeping their presence woven into your life—not in a way that keeps you stuck, but in a way that keeps them close. Grief shows up in the ordinary, and memories can too. But there are some big dates on the calendar that you can utilize to create meaningful traditions as well.
Creating meaningful traditions on special days
Special days can hit hard after a parent dies. Father’s Day or Mother’s Day can hit especially hard. But the same is true for birthdays, anniversaries, or other holidays. These days bring a sharp reminder of their absence. But they can also offer an opportunity to remember them with intention. Creating a meaningful tradition on these days will not erase the grief, but it can redeem it by giving you a way to carry forward their memory instead of just bracing for the impact of a painful day.
For pastor Dr. Clay Barrow and his family, Labor Day was especially difficult. It was once a joyful time where the family would celebrate the holiday with a family cookout. When key family members died, the holiday turned into a sorrowful occasion for the family. But Clay, and others, decided to reclaim the day. Now, during that week, each family member contributes something in memory of those they lost. One niece says, “I’m going to make the potato salad like Dad taught me.” Another says, “I’ll fry the fish the way he showed me.” They gather, eat, laugh, weep, and tell the same stories again and again—so even the grandchildren know who their fathers and grandfathers were.
December is difficult for Alyn. That’s when memories of his father hit harder. So he prepares for it by setting aside time to do activities that help him remember his dad positively. He shares,
December 4th may come around, and I’ll go into my basement and play his album and remember, or I’ll look at pictures of him, or read his master’s thesis. Any of that helps me remember him in a really positive way and reflect on the gifts he gave. Sometimes I’ll even revisit a sermon he preached and choose to preach from that same text on the closest Sunday—not his sermon, but the passage I remember him using.
Jason had a particularly difficult challenge on the very first Mother’s Day after his mom passed away. It was actually the one-year anniversary of her death. They saw it coming up on the calendar, so they decided to make a big plan. They went to church, then visited a lighthouse—because his mom loved lighthouses. They ate together and ended the day by sprinkling flowers in Lake Michigan in her memory. He says of the day:
It was a meaningful moment for all of us to share. All the grandkids were there, along with Dad, my sister, and me. We were remembering together. And we were also honoring the mothers who are still with us—my sister and my wife—because we wanted to make the day special for them too. It was Mother’s Day, and we wanted to honor the living mothers in our lives while also honoring our mom who had passed.
Meaningful traditions don’t have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as a toast, a favorite meal, or sharing memories. Or, like Jason’s family, a trip to a place that his mother loved. Some people host a memorial dinner, plant a tree, or pass along a holiday tradition they cherished. What matters is that the act is personal and intentional. It’s a way of saying, “This day still matters because they still matter.”
While shared moments and familiar rituals help us hold their memory close, another meaningful way to honor a parent is by carrying their values forward through intentional acts of legacy.
Honoring what they stood for through legacy
One of the most lasting ways to honor a parent after their death is to keep telling their story. Share things they believed in, laughed about, and were passionate about. Repeat phrases they used to say, share quirks that made them unique, or remember the moments in their life that are worthy of celebration and imitation. Inviting others to share what they remember can also assist you in keeping their memory alive.
For Dr. Albert Hsu and his family have been intentional about practicing this kind of remembrance after his father died. They make space for family stories—sometimes just by asking his mother, “What was it like when you and Dad were younger?” These small questions open up stories they can pass down to the next generation.
One day, on a family trip to Washington DC, they visited the Air and Space Museum and unexpectedly came across a satellite display. As Al read the plaque, he realized it was the same satellite his father had helped design. He told his sons, “Your grandfather worked on the technology that helped this go into orbit.” That one moment became a window into legacy. It gave their grandfather a presence, even in his absence. Years later, Al sees echoes of his father in his son’s interest in computer science and engineering. “My dad would’ve been proud of him,” he says. These small acts of remembering—of noticing what continues—become quiet ways of honoring a legacy.
Some families choose to take it a step further by turning their loved one’s values into action. Karen and her siblings experienced the sudden loss of both parents in a tragic plane accident. In the aftermath, they knew they wanted to do something lasting. They sponsored a T-ball team in their parents’ name and later used donated memorial funds to renovate the preschool and nursery rooms at their church—spaces their own children had once used. They also purchased a handbell set for the church, knowing how much their parents loved music. “I can just picture my dad being so happy,” Karen said. The sound of those bells became a living tribute.
LaTonya’s parents loved serving in their community. Her father was known for his generosity with giving food from his garden, and her mother was known for love. So when it came time to honor them their family decided to build a legacy for them built on service. “We adopted a highway on the road they lived on,” she said, “and we’d gather friends and family to clean it.” Around birthdays and holidays, they’d feed the homeless or organize service projects. “It has to be something about service,” she explained, “because that’s the kind of people they were.” For her, it’s not just about remembering—it’s about walking in their footsteps. “It feels good to honor them,” she said. “It helps us get through the grief. And it helps us remember the good by continuing what they lived for.”
Legacy projects don’t have to be public or flashy. You might create a scrapbook or a memory box filled with their letters, recipes, or old tools. Some have started scholarship funds in the name of their loved one or donated to causes they believed in. Others might plant a garden, write a song, or pass along a skill their parent was particularly adept at. These acts help carry their story forward.
Remembering can be difficult
Remembering isn’t always as simple as finding a way to celebrate. While some memories bring warmth and laughter, others stir up pain, regret, or complicated emotions. You might grieve a parent you loved deeply, while also grieving what never was. Relationships that were strained or created wounds that haven’t healed can be particularly difficult. In those cases, remembering can be painful.
Jeremy Stalnecker, of Mighty Oaks Foundation, said he had a difficult relationship with his mother. He shares how he tried to carry that loss and also honor her, though the relationship was strained:
How do I redeem that? How do I find value in that? Again, by investing more deeply in the relationships that you have and living more fully in the life that God has given to you ... memorialize them, think about them, talk about them. Tell others about them. That’s how you value them. That’s how you honor them.”
If your relationship with a parent was difficult, you can still choose small, redemptive ways to honor their life. If possible, you can try to find one thing they did well and pass it on. Remembering doesn’t mean rewriting the past—it means choosing to engage with it selectively, truthfully, and redemptively.
That can be a difficult task, which is why it is good to grieve alongside others. Wanting to honor your parent, even if it is difficult, is a good thing. It’s okay that it’s hard. Grief doesn’t follow a script and remembering someone—especially someone so foundational to your life—is emotional work. You don’t have to walk it alone.
Carrying their memory forward with others
If you’re looking for others to walk this journey with you, GriefShare is one group that can be helpful. In GriefShare you’ll be able to share stories of your loved one, ask hard questions, and hear from others who are walking through their own journeys of grief. You can find a GriefShare group near you by going to griefshare.org. If you’ve lost your mother, Remembering Mom is a free, on-demand webinar you might find helpful.
For Tom, GriefShare became a place where he was not only able to process his grief but also carry his parents’ memory forward:
GriefShare and participating as a leader in a group has been the biggest thing that helps me feel like my parents’ legacy continues on. It helps me feel a closeness to them—almost like I’m living out what they taught me about Christ, about helping people like they helped people. It gives me a sense of purpose. Their story continues on every week as I meet with people. I feel like they’re right there beside me.
This is the heart of remembering well. It’s not just about looking back, but it’s about allowing their influence to shape how you move forward.
