It was the middle of December, Christmas activities were in full swing, and Sherri was really struggling. Her mom had passed away a few months earlier, and this would be her first Christmas without her best friend. This was supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but Sherri was dreading it. She knew how special Christmas was to her mom, and it still seemed unthinkable that she would not be there to celebrate with the rest of the family. Sherri kept wondering, How can I make it through?
Grieving is a difficult, but natural, process after a significant loss. When it happens to be the death of a parent, it can be especially hard. Even if you saw it coming a mile away, your mom or dad’s passing can be surprisingly painful. Better than anyone, you know what made them special, and all the sacrifices they made so that you could succeed in life.
Milestones such as your parent’s birthday, anniversary, and holidays like Christmas will be among the hardest times for you. They will naturally trigger memories and emotions that take you back years or decades to when your mom or dad was still around.
If your family emphasized holiday celebrations, it is likely that those first times without them will be especially difficult. The one-year anniversary of their passing will be a tough day, and even the days leading up to it. While nothing completely prepares you, knowing how to navigate these times is an important step in the grieving process. Here are a few suggestions to that end.
As you grieve, you might experience variations of the following common reactions:
These feelings might amplify on and around significant milestones. You might be tempted to ignore them or deny them, but you can’t move forward if you do. For example, if you are feeling anger in the wake of your mom or dad’s passing, ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way? Were there unresolved issues between us?” You might even find yourself angry with God, asking, “How could You let this happen?” Try to be honest and objective as you process your feelings. Be committed to working through your emotions, even though it’s painful. If you are not sure how to do this, consult a Christian counselor familiar with handling grief.
There will be times when you just want to be alone as you grieve during milestones, and that’s okay. However, don’t isolate yourself (avoid people for long stretches of time). We are social beings. We need one another. God created us for community. This is why the Bible says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). It is helpful to connect with friends, siblings, your spouse, counselors, and others you are close to. It is particularly helpful to connect with someone who has been through this before and can speak from experience. Though you have lost someone near and dear to you, look for those whom God has placed in your life who can help with the loneliness of these difficult times.
Your mom or dad is now gone, but you still carry many memories of your parent. Milestones are a fitting time to talk about these memories with your support network. You will probably find yourself laughing, crying, and everything in between as you swap stories and memories. “Remember when she did that?” “He looked so silly in those shorts!” “That was so kind of her.” This might seem like it would be a hopelessly painful exercise, but it can actually prove healing and cathartic.
One simple idea is to pull out an old photo album (physical or digital) and go back in time. While these memories might still provoke negative emotions, try looking at the positive. Thank God for the memories and for all the years you had with your mom or dad. Recount the positive ways they impacted your life.
When you are in deep grief, sometimes the best you can do is just take it one day at a time. For some, the process moves along quickly; for others, it takes much longer. Be patient. Allow God to heal your heart. Perhaps right now your loss seems unbearable. The pain that you feel will soften over time. The Bible says, “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him” (Nahum 1:7).
Going through the first birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first spring trip, etc., can be extremely hard. One might think that after the first year, everything will be easier, but not necessarily. The “seconds” can be hard too. There will always be a piece missing without your mom or dad. It is impossible to predict how long your grieving will continue, but resist thinking it will be quick.
The death of a loved one serves to remind us of our own mortality and our need to prepare for it. Milestones after the death of a parent can be very depressing. They are reminders that life will never be the same. They thrust upon us questions like “What do I have to look forward to?” There might not be an easy answer to that question. But fortunately, there is another milestone event that can point us in a good direction.
Though horrible, death is a feature of life on earth everyone must face. Even God’s Son, Jesus, died on the cross, but on the third day He rose again. Jesus’ resurrection was a milestone event that helps us face our own milestones without our loved ones. Death does not have the final word! When Jesus returns, He will wipe away every tear, and death shall be no more (Revelation 21:4). This promise gives us tremendous hope at times when we desperately need it.
To learn more about this hope Jesus provides, check out GriefShare. We encourage you to find a GriefShare group near you (groups meet both in person and online).