Already frantic from her morning of caring for toddlers, a frazzled Claire answered the doorbell. The postal worker handed her one of those official-looking envelopes that was so important it required her signature. She scribbled down a few letters loosely resembling her name, grabbed the envelope, forced a smile, threw the letter on her kitchen table, and went back to her chaos.
Later that evening, Claire opened that super-important letter marked URGENT. To her surprise, it was a bill from a company she’d never heard of for a staggering $7,892.33. There was no explanation, no list of goods or services received, just the amount due with an offensive due date. Someone had clearly used her name to purchase things.
Angry and confused, she tried to figure out who made charges in her name. Letter in hand, she stormed off to her sister’s house. “Did YOU do this?” No. She quickly ran through other possibilities. Her friends? Her neighbors? Someone from her small group? Eventually she had to assume that it was debt her husband had racked up before his death. But she kept the bill around—just in case she could find someone else who was responsible. Claire kept telling herself, “Somebody is going to pay for this, and it isn’t going to be me.”
Each time Claire pulled that bill out of her deep purse, she felt a rush of anger—a tightening in her chest. Somebody was responsible for this bill. All she knew was that it wasn’t her. She started looking at people differently. Every smile was suspicious, and every silence like an admission of guilt. She didn’t even realize how heavy this envelope had become—how it was taking her attention, her energy, and every ounce of peace she once had.
Resentment, a subtle form of anger, is like that unpaid bill. Anger is triggered when something happens that you believe is unjust or unfair. It also can rise when how you believe the world should operate is challenged.
It wouldn’t be fair for Claire to pay a bill that someone else charged. The situation wasn’t her fault. But if she keeps carrying it, keeps rereading the bill, and keeps trying to collect on it—it’ll cost far more than $7,892.33.
What causes resentment?
The character Anger, in Pixar’s Inside Out, is predictably red. He often has fire coming out of his head, and he wears a scowl as his go-to expression. That is how we typically think of anger. Since resentment is a subtle form of anger, words like simmering or seething can be used to describe it. For example, it’s the spouse who quietly turns her body away from her husband, or the husband who gives the silent treatment to his wife rather than flying off the handle in a fit of rage. Both are angry, they just display it differently.
As we saw in the story of Claire, anger is triggered when we perceive something is unjust or unfair. It was her way of asserting that she shouldn’t be the one to pay the bill. The death of a loved one can be like that unexpected bill. You didn’t ask for it. You don’t want it. It is forcing itself upon you. Anger is your protest.
Your anger might be directed toward people or circumstances. Like Claire, whoever you are blaming for this “debt” is the person or circumstance that will draw your ire. You may even find yourself angry with God. For Marion, it was her husband:
I was angry with him because he was a noncompliant diabetic, and he kind of did things his way. And I was always trying to get him to eat right, not to drink alcohol—things just to improve his health. He wouldn’t listen to me. So that’s the part I was angry about.
Often bitterness (another term for resentment) grows when we let our anger grow unchecked. Unresolved grief can turn into resentment. Tate Cockrell, a grief counselor, explains:
Bitterness is the result of long-term, unchecked anger. When we don’t adequately deal with the hurt, betrayal, or loss that underlies our anger, bitterness is often the overflow of that. In grief, people often feel betrayed—by God, the world, or the one who caused their loss. So when someone is bitter, I try to help them process that underlying hurt. Yes, they may have a right to feel anger, but it matters how they channel it. Bitterness internalizes the pain and turns it outward in destructive ways.
One common source of resentment is feeling abandoned or unsupported. After Heather’s sister died, she was shocked at the lack of support she received from some people.
I was really surprised by the people who weren’t there for me in my grief. The ones I expected to be right by my side, supporting and reaching out—didn’t. That was disappointing. I thought certain people would’ve shown up more, but they didn’t. And now I’m realizing that a lot of people just don’t know how to handle grief. It makes them uncomfortable, so they say nothing. But honestly, that feels worse. I’d rather someone say the wrong thing than ignore me completely. What hurt the most was how quickly everyone seemed to move on.
Whatever the cause of your resentment, if not addressed it will affect you. Resentment can take a toll on your body, reshape your relationships, impact your outlook on life, and ultimately hinder you from healing.
How resentment affects you
When anger comes out in the form of rage, it is easily detectable. You see the flames, feel the heat, and know something is wrong immediately. But resentment is more like a slow gas leak. There is no dramatic blaze, just a slow release that, over time, fills the space with its toxicity. Because of this, you might not immediately notice how resentment is affecting you and your relationship with others.
At first, resentment may feel like self-protection—like a defense mechanism that guards you. But as it becomes embedded in your heart, its impact becomes more pervasive. You begin replaying conversations in your head, imagining slights when there are none, or maximizing smaller offenses. You brace yourself against people who genuinely want to help. To you it feels like caution and discernment, but what is really happening is that bitterness is clouding your perception. While you might not scream or slam doors, your inner world may be just as turbulent.
Dr. Erikka Dzirasa summarizes it well:
In any grieving experience, it is not uncommon for individuals to reach a stage of bitterness: deep-seated anger and resentment. It can impact you negatively and also your relationship with others, and you may not even be aware of it. It changes how you view the world, it causes you to blame others, and over time it grows deeper roots. Eventually you don’t trust other people, you don’t trust yourself, and it can lead to further resentment. It can lead to depression and that can have a huge impact on your body—like heart issues.
Let’s go back to Claire’s attempts to find out who created her debt. If you were on the receiving end of her side-eye and continual accusations, would you want to keep having a relationship with her? Probably not. As you back away from her relationally, she may view that as confirmation that you are suspect. This is the typical pattern when a relationship is marked by the suspicion of resentment.
Pastor Keith Battle is correct when he says, “We tend to withdraw from people who would exacerbate our pain, which puts us in a deeper place of loneliness.” Resentment places you on a relational spiral—where either you isolate from others or they begin to isolate from you. Nobody wants to live in constant conflict with another person, but resentment keeps you there. Resentment offers an illusion of control but quietly keeps you imprisoned.
How do you get out of the spiral of resentment?
How to address resentment
Claire had been carrying around that bill, thinking that she could eventually get justice for herself. But rather than bringing freedom, it consumed her. Resentment often works the same way. The first step in healing is to recognize that you’re holding onto this envelope. No, you didn’t create the debt, but you’ve been carrying it—and it’s costing you.
Once you’ve named what you’re holding onto, the next step is to look at the details. Rather than simply rereading the “bill” that someone handed you, try to view your situation from another angle. You might ask questions like these to broaden your perspective:
- What part of this grief or loss feels the most unfair to me?
- What did I expect from others—or from the person I lost—that didn’t happen?
- What was lost or threatened that feels especially painful?
- Why are those particular losses so deeply important to me?
- Is there any part of the story I’ve assumed or filled in that might not be fully accurate?
- Have I been holding anyone to an unspoken standard they never knew about—or couldn’t have met?
- What would I stand to gain if I began to release it—even if I never get full resolution?
Asking questions like this will add more perspective to the situation and give a fuller picture. However, there is still that matter of $7,892.33. There is still a debt. What that means is that no amount of rumination is able to bring your loved one back. The pain is still there. While it is true that you may have contributed to some broken relationships, it is also true that others may have truly wronged you. In such cases, the debt is still there.
The ultimate answer to resentment is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a commitment to not hold someone’s offenses against them. That might seem impossible to you. And it’s certainly not fair. But there are a couple truths that can help.
First, all of us are imperfect and need grace. Yes, Claire has been given a bill for a debt she didn’t create. But what is missing from our story are all the people in Claire’s life who have a “bill” of things she has done against them.
Secondly, God will deal with all injustices in time. In fact, we can say that Jesus’ work on the cross pays our debt. Rather than trying to squeeze it out of others, we are told to take our “bills” to God. That includes things we have done wrong (asking for God’s forgiveness) or the things that have been done to us (asking for God’s help and letting Him take care of any injustice). Realizing that God has forgiven your debt enables you to forgive others.
Dealing with resentment and walking in forgiveness is difficult work. Fortunately, there is help for moving beyond resentment toward a forgiving and peaceful attitude. A Christian counselor can assist you in understanding both what you’ve gone through and its impact on you now. But for the shift in perspective that overcoming resentment requires, you’re likely to need more help.
One person who knows all about unjust suffering is Jesus Christ. He definitely carried a debt that He didn’t owe. This makes Him the perfect source for support and guidance in these matters.
You may also find it helpful to take this journey with others. One grief support program that builds on Jesus’ model, guidance, and strength is GriefShare. GriefShare has guided thousands of grievers on their grief journeys, including those who’ve needed to learn how to forgive. To find a GriefShare group, either online or in person, click HERE.
