“Why did this have to happen to us?”
Deb’s daughter sobbed the question over and over again—and Deb had no answer. “I couldn’t fix it,” she says. “I had no words. I think the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life is watching my kids grieve their father. I just had to sit with them in it.”
If you’re a grieving parent, you’ve probably felt this helplessness too. You long to ease your child’s pain, but you aren’t even sure what hurts. One place to begin is by understanding what grief can look like for a child, and from there, you can find ways to offer guidance and care.
While you can’t make this wound go away, your insight and presence can become a safe place for your child to process their grief.
Children don’t grieve like adults. Their emotions may surface through behavior, play, or even physical symptoms. You might notice stomachaches, clinginess, mood swings, instances of acting out, or tears that seem to come out of nowhere. This isn’t misbehavior—it’s grief.
Younger children often struggle to understand what death really means. Some may ask the same questions again and again: “When is she coming back?” “Did I do something wrong?” Others may believe their thoughts or actions somehow caused the death—this is called “magical thinking.”
Even older children may not show their emotions in ways adults expect. Some will withdraw. Others may become more irritable or anxious. And many will revisit their grief at new developmental stages. Even if children seem okay after the funeral, it doesn’t mean they’re done grieving.
Children can feel grief deeply, just like adults, but they don’t always know how to express it. Sadness, anger, fear, and even guilt can surface unexpectedly, as well as other emotions.
Sadness: Sadness may show up in obvious ways, like tears or withdrawal. But don’t be surprised if your child’s sorrow surfaces at bedtime, during play, or in moments that seem unrelated to the death.
And when it comes to sadness, you might be tempted to try and hide your own tears from your child. But social worker Melissa Brown reminds us, “You are the model to your child or grandchild of what healthy grief looks like. And when we’re sad, we cry. They need to see that something sad has happened, so it’s okay to cry.”
Fear: Many children experience fear. They’ve just experienced something difficult and potentially frightening. Fears are natural in such a time. Mel Erickson, who wrote the Kid Talk curriculum for bereaved children, highlights some of the questions your child might be thinking: Who’s going to love me? Who’s going to take care of me? Am I going to be all right? Who else might leave me? Who else could die? Will I die too?
Guilt: When children can’t make sense of what happened, they often try to fill in the blanks themselves. This can lead to feelings of guilt, even when nothing was their fault. They might link the loss to something small they did—like forgetting to say goodbye or being upset with the person who died. They may also believe that an angry thought they had was somehow the cause of death.
Anger: Your children may also experience anger. Debbie’s husband died when her son was only one. He didn’t understand what was going on at the time. But as her son grew older, his behavior began to shift. “It felt angry and against me—the one person who’s here to take care of him,” she explains. She came to realize, through the help of a counselor, that her son’s grief was finding its way to the surface.
As your child wrestles with their different emotions, they may have questions you never expected. That’s why it’s important to explain death in ways that meet them where they are.
Helping your child understand death begins with using age-appropriate language. Children need clarity, not complexity. Keep explanations short and honest, tailoring them to your child’s stage of development.
Toddlers and preschoolers often don’t grasp the finality of death. They may repeat the same questions or seem unfazed one moment and heartbroken the next. Offer consistent language and reassurance.
Mel Erickson gives a helpful reminder that children take things very literally. She says,
Young children may not see death as permanent. We often say, “Grandpa passed away.” Kids think, Well, when’s he coming back? Children are literal. It’s important that we use the words dead and died with children. We have so many metaphors to cushion the pain of death. But because children are so literal, we want to be literal and communicate simply and clearly. So we say, “Grandpa died. That means his body doesn’t work anymore. He can’t breathe. He can’t talk. He can’t see, hear, feel, or touch.”
Here are some additional tips:
As children grow, their understanding deepens—and so do their questions. Elementary-aged children often want more concrete facts. They may also begin wrestling with spiritual or emotional meanings.
Younger children may still struggle with thinking something they did caused their loved one to die. Erickson tells of a young boy who thought an argument he’d had with his dad was the cause of his heart attack. She goes on to say,
If children don’t understand the death story accurately, they will fill in the blanks from their imagination, often blaming themselves for an outcome. We see children explaining a death and taking blame, feeling guilty, feeling like it was their fault. Like there was something they didn’t do or didn’t say [that they feel they should have done or said] that caused the death to happen.
To help your child here, watch for signs of guilt or confusion. You might need to reassure them often that, “nothing you said or did caused this to happen.” Inviting questions and offering comfort is also helpful. Above all, resist the urge to fix things. Your presence matters more than perfect words.
Your child’s grief might look messy, confusing, or even delayed. Their journey will likely unfold in waves—and yours will too. But in each wave, God remains steady. He weeps with us (John 11:35), walks beside us (Psalm 23), and brings comfort that lasts longer than the tears.
Parenting a grieving child can be tough to navigate. Thankfully, you don’t have to go it alone. Support groups can be immensely helpful. One that many people have found help through is GriefShare. In a GriefShare group you’ll hear from experts and fellow grievers. You will receive a participant guide with exercises, Bible studies, and brief articles that will provide suggestions for responding to your loss and considering what the future might hold.
As Amelia shares, “At first I got angry with my kids because I thought they weren’t as sad as I was and I thought, “How come they’re not crying? How come they’re not wanting to stop like I wanted to stop my life?” I didn’t realize until doing some reading and going to GriefShare that they are grieving totally differently than me.”
GriefShare also provides these videos on how to help grieving children. And you can find additional videos—featuring counselors, pastors, and other grieving parents who share insights and advice on parenting bereaved children—by searching for “children” and “child.”