When the anniversary of your loved one’s death draws near, you may sense it before you even realize what day it is. Maybe you feel unexpectedly tired. Or suddenly teary. Then you glance at the calendar—and it hits you. That day is coming.
The anniversary of a death can stir up a mix of emotions—dread, sorrow, reflection, even gratitude. It may bring a longing so deep it aches. Even if years have passed, this day can surface memories and feelings that seem as fresh as ever.
You are not alone in this experience. Many grieving people say the anniversary brings up a complicated blend of emotions. As pastor Dr. Clay Barrow explains, “Special days, days you associate with your loved one, are always difficult. … Now that the person is absent, that day becomes a hard day, a grieving day. You’re reminded all the more of the loss you’ve experienced.”
Each person’s grief is unique, but many share common experiences around the anniversary:
Author Vaneetha Risner shares, “The anniversary of [my son] Paul’s death is hard for me. That is always a day I sort of dread when it’s coming up. … Although, each year it’s been a little easier.”
Family therapist Ron L. Deal, whose 12-year-old son died, describes the death anniversary as his son’s “heaven day.” “That day is just super hard. You relive everything working up to the day. You start thinking about it and anticipating it.” Deal adds, “Sometimes you want to withdraw from the world a little bit. I think that’s okay. As long as you don’t completely withdraw from everybody and everything, you find your way, you find those rituals that help give meaning to the day and how you honor it.”
You don’t have to perform or be strong. You don’t need a script. Author Cindy Bultema, whose fiancé died, says, “What has brought me the most relief from the pain is being able to talk about the pain. ... The relief has come by slowly continuing to keep moving, one step at a time.”
There is no “right way” to mark the anniversary. But here are some ideas others have found meaningful:
Jemma says, “On the anniversary of my sister’s death, I usually take time out during my day where I can sit and remember the good times that we’ve had together.”
On the first anniversary of his wife’s death, Stephen visited the cemetery and spent some time talking with his wife. “On the way home I picked up about nine helium balloons. I wrote all my thoughts and feelings down [to send up with those balloons]. I wrote a letter to God. I wrote a letter to Sandy. I sent pictures of the grandkids and what they look like now. It lifted my spirits, seeing these balloons going up in the air. I just slowly turned all those feelings and emotions over to God and let Him take it.”
Karen and her children “call each other on the day of [their dad’s] death and remember him and talk about what we mean to each other.”
Jeannine honors others’ losses too: “I send a card saying I haven’t forgotten and that I’m praying for you.”
Cindy Bultema shares how she’s found relief through leaning hard on God and His Word and leaning hard on her friends in the context of community.
One year on the death anniversary of his teenage daughter, author Dave Branon and his wife “invited seven or eight of Melissa’s best friends over so we could just talk about Melissa and catch up with the kids. I loved that. My wife didn’t. It was really very hard for her.”
Not everyone will mark the day in the same way. Bereavement counselor Cori Salchert reminds us, “Try not to have it be where everybody has to ‘get with your program’ … you might find yourself very disappointed that they don’t remember your loved one the same way.”
That’s okay. This is your journey. Your grief. Your way of remembering.
The anniversary may hit hard—or feel gentler than expected. Your grief journey is not only unique, but also unpredictable. Remember, there’s no prize for “being strong.” It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to be a little “off.”
Dave Branon recalls that he and his wife would sometimes “call the whole day off … and just talk about Melissa.” Some years you may want company. Other years you may want quiet. Both are valid.
As Vaneetha Risner shares, “I don’t like to have tons of plans to do something on that day.”
And if the anniversary brings up new questions, longings, or regrets, don’t be surprised. Those feelings are part of the journey.
Cindy Bultema shares, “I would be so much further back on the journey if I had just stuffed my grief. Rather than allowing myself to stuff it, [I allowed myself] to feel it and get through those hard times. The relief has come by continuing to walk out the journey, step by step by step. I don’t think that you can skip it.”
Carla takes her children to places their dad loved and shares stories from his life and his Bible: “It’s important to me that they see his ongoing influence, certainly in the absence of his presence.”
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Think of ways to honor your loved one’s memory. You might try one of the ideas below, or find something else more suited to you and your loved one.
For even more ideas, see 11 Meaningful Ways to Remember Someone on Their Death Anniversary.
Anniversary grief is not a setback—it’s part of the journey. It can be a time of sacred remembrance. A time to draw near to God. A time to reflect on the depth of your love.
And a time to keep going, one step at a time.
If you haven’t already, consider joining a GriefShare group. You’ll find comfort, understanding, and support from others who know what this day feels like. These groups meet both in person and online.
You do not have to face it alone.
As the anniversary of your loved one’s death approaches, it may stir up familiar waves of sadness, reflection, and even unexpected strength. This tender season can also become a time to consider something new—how the comfort you’ve received might become a comfort you offer.
You may not feel “ready,” and that’s okay. But simply being present for someone else who’s grieving can be deeply meaningful. Your story—your quiet, hard-earned wisdom—can gently reassure someone that they’re not alone.
God “comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble” (2 Corinthians 1:4). If you’re sensing a tug to give back in some way, visit griefshare.org/comfort for thoughtful ways to start