[After] my wife Kath passed away … I began to have an overwhelming emotion of strong anxiety and fear. Things that I used to do without even thinking became almost impossible to do. Things that she and I did together, like grocery shopping, for example, became almost impossible. The first time I went to Costco without her, I got there as soon as they opened on a Saturday morning. I sat in the car for a long time in the parking lot thinking, I don’t know if I can do this. I made a list, went in, got what I needed, and got out as fast as I could. So that was very surprising to me. I did not anticipate that the simple things in life [would cause so much anxiety].
Like Rob, who shared his story above, you might be surprised by the anxiety that can accompany grief. Yet anxiety while grieving is very common, so you are not alone in feeling this way.
Rob’s experience shows how anxiety can spring from ordinary, daily tasks that suddenly feel impossible. It can also stem from a fear of the future—whether it’s a fear that something else bad might happen or the realization that your future is suddenly uncertain. “I started to realize that all of our hopes and dreams were gone,” says Rob.
If you’re experiencing anxiety, this article can help you understand what you’re going through and find ways to manage the emotion and experience some relief.
How anxiety affects your thoughts—and your body
Anxiety is complicated, and it shows up differently in each person. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to describe it, since everyone’s experience is unique. Still, it helps to notice the common threads. For example, most anxiety is expressed in ways that are noticeable either by what you’re thinking in your mind or what you’re feeling in your body.
The mental side of anxiety (worry)
If your anxiety is mental in nature, you may find yourself dreaming up and replaying worst case scenarios, or dwelling on problems so that they grow to overwhelming proportions. You might tend to make negative assumptions about what others are thinking about a situation or how they’re perceiving it. You may have the tendency to go deeper into your own head and feelings without truly assessing those thoughts and emotions.
The physical side of anxiety
Physical symptoms associated with anxiety tend to be more readily apparent, but often aren’t named as such. This can range from a quickened pulse, shallow breathing, sweating, or “butterflies in the stomach” to sudden heart racing, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, or panic attacks. These experiences are often more commonly thought of as a health problem or illness—rather than a struggle to cope with stress. If you have physical symptoms you’re concerned about, it’s important to talk to a doctor to find out what might have caused them; also, the more severe symptoms might indicate a more serious medical issue, so they should be evaluated by a physician.
Developing perseverance through anxiety can help you
Anxiety doesn’t always go away quickly or easily, so perseverance is an important part of learning to deal with the experience. Rob puts it plainly: “I realized I had to become proactive and just really figure out what I could do and what I needed to do to help the healing process along.”
Developing your personal capacity to manage anxiety is a lot like a runner gradually increasing their strength and endurance for a long race. To start, understand that the physical symptoms of anxiety arise when you feel some sort of perceived threat. But not all perceived threats are real threats. So part of addressing anxiety is discerning if the thoughts you’re having are in response to an actual danger.
Begin paying attention to patterns in your anxiety. Notice when it tends to show up and what triggers it. You may struggle to enter a building or go to a location that’s filled with memories of your loved one. Maybe it surfaces at night when worries about the future swirl in your mind. At work, you might replay a conversation because you’re unsure what someone meant about your job performance since the loss. Or anxiety may rise around holidays and special days when your loss feels particularly heavy.
Recognizing these patterns can help you be better prepared to (1) consider whether these threats are real, (2) anticipate potential anxiety, and (3) have strategies or a plan in place to persevere through it.
Strategies for dealing with anxious moments
While becoming more aware of your anxiety is important, awareness is only half the battle. Because anxiety often shapes your decisions, you’ll also need to look at the choices you’re faced with—and the choices you’re making—in a given moment in order to help you regain a measure of calm and control. Taking small, steady steps of personal responsibility can help you grow in perseverance.
- Practice deep breathing
One powerful method for handling heightened anxiety is learning a deep breathing exercise, which can calm your body when your nervous system is in overdrive.
When you notice your breathing is shallow during a stressful moment, it may mean your brain isn’t getting enough oxygen. Quick, shallow breathing doesn’t provide what you need and can quickly spiral into a panic attack. In those moments, pause and take slow breaths—inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, then exhale for four seconds. After several rounds, your body will begin to settle, and you’ll be able to think more clearly about what feels overwhelming. - Try guided journaling
Another practical way to regulate daily spikes of anxiety is to start a journal. Rob discovered this two months after his wife died: “I started taking down notes. It was very useful in that I could go back and read after several months of journaling what I was putting down and going through in the early stages. I could see I got more optimistic about the future as time went on.”
The goal is not to write something fancy or poetic—it’s simply to create a space where your thoughts can live outside your already-busy mind. You can write in a notebook, an app, on notecards, in a sketchbook, or whatever suits you. GriefShare offers a guided journal for help after loss.
You might start your day by jotting down upcoming moments or conversations where you expect to feel anxious, along with some ideas for how you’d like to respond. This kind of planning can help you face those situations with more confidence. Or, you might find it more helpful to write at the end of the day. This gives you the chance to reflect on the high and low moments—what you thought, said, and did—so you can process them more carefully.
A few minutes a day with your journal can become a small but steady routine, something you have a measure of control over when everything else feels out of control—and a time when you can begin to rest in and reflect on God’s greater care. And over time, journaling can bring clarity to thoughts that might otherwise remain tangled and overwhelming. - Open up to safe people
Talk with someone you trust about what those anxious moments feel like for you. As the saying goes, burdens are halved when the burdens are shared. And Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 in the Bible encourages us: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
While these conversations might be intimidating at first, they can also calm your anxiety as the other person listens and perhaps offers another point of view. You can open up the conversation by simply reassuring your friend that you do not have any expectations of receiving answers or solutions; instead, you are grateful to have someone who will listen and genuinely care for what you have to say. Or, you might ask to hear your friend’s perspective. Being open to hearing other viewpoints from safe, trusted people can help loosen the grip of long-standing habits of pessimistic thinking that you might be succumbing to.
Because anxiety can be complex, it can also be wise to consider talking with a trained Christian counselor. - Find a support group
Sometimes it’s hard to find friends or relatives who are willing or available for conversations about your grief and anxiety. Nevertheless, you don’t have to walk through your grief by yourself. A GriefShare group, either in person or online, can be an ideal place for finding others to talk to about your anxiety and sadness. In GriefShare, you can gain perspective from experts’ advice and from other people’s stories.
As Rob says, “In GriefShare when I talked about the anxiety I was having, other people in the small group said they were going through the same thing. We all talked about ways we might be able to help each other in dealing with it, offering suggestions and recommendations.”
GriefShare can give you the support and accountability to endure when your anxieties might tempt you to stall on your grief journey. You can find a GriefShare group here.
Signs of progress
Healing often feels slow, but progress does come—even if you don’t see it right away. Rob remembers a turning point: “One of my coworkers came up and said, ‘It’s nice to see you smile again.’ I think it was at that point when I realized I had made progress.” His story reminds us that you, too, can take steps forward in managing your anxiety and finding relief and healing one day at a time.
