[After] my wife Kath passed away … I began to have an overwhelming emotion of strong anxiety and fear. Things that I used to do without even thinking became almost impossible to do. Things that she and I did together, like grocery shopping, for example, became almost impossible. The first time I went to Costco without her, I got there as soon as they opened on a Saturday morning. I sat in the car for a long time in the parking lot thinking, I don’t know if I can do this. I made a list, went in, got what I needed, and got out as fast as I could. So that was very surprising to me. I did not anticipate that the simple things in life [would cause so much anxiety].
Like Rob, who shared his story above, you might be surprised by the anxiety that can accompany grief. Yet anxiety while grieving is very common, so you are not alone in feeling this way.
Rob’s experience shows how anxiety can spring from ordinary, daily tasks that suddenly feel impossible. It can also stem from a fear of the future—whether it’s a fear that something else bad might happen or the realization that your future is suddenly uncertain. “I started to realize that all of our hopes and dreams were gone,” says Rob.
If you’re experiencing anxiety, this article can help you understand what you’re going through and find ways to manage the emotion and experience some relief.
Anxiety is complicated, and it shows up differently in each person. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all way to describe it, since everyone’s experience is unique. Still, it helps to notice the common threads. For example, most anxiety is expressed in ways that are noticeable either by what you’re thinking in your mind or what you’re feeling in your body.
The mental side of anxiety (worry)
If your anxiety is mental in nature, you may find yourself dreaming up and replaying worst case scenarios, or dwelling on problems so that they grow to overwhelming proportions. You might tend to make negative assumptions about what others are thinking about a situation or how they’re perceiving it. You may have the tendency to go deeper into your own head and feelings without truly assessing those thoughts and emotions.
Physical symptoms associated with anxiety tend to be more readily apparent, but often aren’t named as such. This can range from a quickened pulse, shallow breathing, sweating, or “butterflies in the stomach” to sudden heart racing, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, or panic attacks. These experiences are often more commonly thought of as a health problem or illness—rather than a struggle to cope with stress. If you have physical symptoms you’re concerned about, it’s important to talk to a doctor to find out what might have caused them; also, the more severe symptoms might indicate a more serious medical issue, so they should be evaluated by a physician.
Anxiety doesn’t always go away quickly or easily, so perseverance is an important part of learning to deal with the experience. Rob puts it plainly: “I realized I had to become proactive and just really figure out what I could do and what I needed to do to help the healing process along.”
Developing your personal capacity to manage anxiety is a lot like a runner gradually increasing their strength and endurance for a long race. To start, understand that the physical symptoms of anxiety arise when you feel some sort of perceived threat. But not all perceived threats are real threats. So part of addressing anxiety is discerning if the thoughts you’re having are in response to an actual danger.
Begin paying attention to patterns in your anxiety. Notice when it tends to show up and what triggers it. You may struggle to enter a building or go to a location that’s filled with memories of your loved one. Maybe it surfaces at night when worries about the future swirl in your mind. At work, you might replay a conversation because you’re unsure what someone meant about your job performance since the loss. Or anxiety may rise around holidays and special days when your loss feels particularly heavy.
Recognizing these patterns can help you be better prepared to (1) consider whether these threats are real, (2) anticipate potential anxiety, and (3) have strategies or a plan in place to persevere through it.
While becoming more aware of your anxiety is important, awareness is only half the battle. Because anxiety often shapes your decisions, you’ll also need to look at the choices you’re faced with—and the choices you’re making—in a given moment in order to help you regain a measure of calm and control. Taking small, steady steps of personal responsibility can help you grow in perseverance.
Healing often feels slow, but progress does come—even if you don’t see it right away. Rob remembers a turning point: “One of my coworkers came up and said, ‘It’s nice to see you smile again.’ I think it was at that point when I realized I had made progress.” His story reminds us that you, too, can take steps forward in managing your anxiety and finding relief and healing one day at a time.